My Journey

You know you are a Mom of 5 boys when....con't

2007-05-23T10:41:00.000-04:00

.......while playing the game Zoo Tycoon where the objective is to make the zoo animals and those visiting the zoo happy, my kids take part of the fence for the lions away and laugh hysterically while the lions eat everyone. ( Do I need to pray harder for my kids?)

......... 3 entire boxes of cereal are considered one breakfast for the gang. Any wonder why nothing gets bought unless it is on sale, I have a coupon and it is double coupon day.

......... a typical visit to Sam's consists of one flat bed full and one shopping cart full of food. On the ride home all the boxes fall on the kids heads and we get to hear them complain all the way home. It is a fun experience!

......... finding a dead critter on the farm fascinates them and they will take any chance they get to gawk and it and usually poke it with sticks.

....... At the end of the day they always smell like they found something dead and were poking sticks at it.

........ Showers and bathes at the end of the day are a necessity!

........Any game, no matter what it is, ends up as a full contact sport. Riding bikes turns into bumper cars or see who can chase down the kids without a bike the fastest. A matching game turns into an all-out war with cards flying. We don't let them play twister anymore ;)

....... Life is never dull and as the Mom I usually get treated like a queen.

........The time-out chair is the most used chair in the house (except maybe the throne)

........ No one(except Mom) can ever find anything. I can give out precise, detailed directions, but it is nowhere to be found. It just amazingly appears when I go to look for it. It is funny how that works.

........ At bath-time you don't know what is suntan and what is dirt.

.........Life is good and full of energy and laughter.

You know you have 5 boys when............

2007-05-17T13:20:00.000-04:00

.......At Wal-mart you get looks of pity from other Mother's.

......You have 2 boys in the cart, 2 hanging off of the cart and one trailing behind complaining about wanting to look at video games.

........There is more dirt and sand dumped on the bathroom floor than is left outside.

........ The dryer lint trap has more sand in it than lint.

........ There is no safe place to hide from the nerf and pellet wars. ( Not even the bathroom!)

......... Finding a kid tied to a chair is not an unusual find.

........ Brotherly love is shown more in a punch or kick than a hug or kiss.

........ Hosing a kid down, to remove the layers of dirt, before they can enter the house is pretty common.

......... having, bugs, toads, frogs, snakes and worms given to you as loving gifts throughout the day.

......... you have a vase of weeds on the kitchen table.

........ " Stop that, you're going to get hurt" gets repeated over and over.

....... You get showered with hugs and kisses

........You find the youngest peeing in the dirt to make "mud"

........ More to come, when time permits!

2007-04-27T08:23:00.000-04:00

Our little guys are so funny. They absolutely love to hear someone pray in tongues. When I put them to bed they say"Are you going to say ABAKA BAkA?" It took me awhile before I knew what they were talking about.

The Power of Prayer

2007-04-11T13:13:00.000-04:00

R3 (age 3) can be quit a handful. There are days I exhaust my options in discipline and I still have a 3 year old that will not mind. It can be frustrating, but at my last discipleship meeting with Beth she gave me some great advice and today I was able to use it.
At naptime R3 can get out of control and I don't have many options to deal with him. I usually end up getting frustrated and that never helps the situation. Today was like any other day and I was getting very frustrated with him, then I remembered what Beth said. I sat on his bed and rocked him and just prayed in the Spirit. He is fascinated by speaking in tongues and always asks me to pray more. The more I prayed, the more he and I both relaxed. It was a great moment and I know God is doing deep things in his little heart. Life is so much easier when I ask God for help first!

Prayer

2007-03-12T18:11:00.000-04:00

Today the 3 young ones were playing outside. I looked out and R3 was sitting on the frisbee and the other 2 were squatting around him talking to him. I watched to see what would happen next. I figured R3 was refusing to give up the frisbee and a fight was sure to break out. R2 saw me watching out the window and gave me his big smile and came running to the door. He yelled" we are teaching R3 how to pray. He didn't know how and we are telling him."
The frisbee, it turns out was his prayer seat ( so his butt didn't get wet, I was later told!)
Later I saw R2 on the frisbee, he needed a break to pray.
How completely awesome is that?
These kids teach me over and over my shortcomings and over and over they teach me of God's goodness and how much he really loves us.

Sunday night I really appreciated Pastor Jason's message and R2 did also. He has been telling me over and over, "My God is a personal God." That is in his heart. He might not understand it but he recieved that message and is clinging to it! Praise God! He is a personal God!

Settling In

2007-03-09T19:45:00.000-05:00

Tonight at dinner I finally felt as though we were starting to interact as a real family. Suddenly adding 3 little boys to a family can disrupt a lot of things. After a month we are starting to settle in. I needed that after a few rough days. As with the last time we fostered, I was at a point, I was ready to throw in the towel. God is so good and helped me through, along with prayersand lots of love from all my family and friends.

It was so nice to laugh and have fun and enjoy all of the kids. We all seem to be settling in.

I made pizza for everyone and we were eating and talking and the youngest( age 3) started sniffing and making weird noises. I looked in his nose and sure enough he had shoved a mushroom up his nose. I got the tweezers and pulled it out. It was huge, I don't know how we didn't notice him shoving it up there. I guess it was his way of saying" I don't like mushrooms!"
Life at our house is never dull!

What a Day!!

2007-03-04T09:50:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I made pb&j's for the kids lunch. I set them out on the table and then went to gather all the boys. I came back in and the "p" part of one of the pb&j's was missing and Miss Zoe was licking her lips. I was so frustrated I grabbed her collar and took her to the corner and made her stay. As I was walking away, I had to laugh at myself. I put the dog in time-out without even thinking aboyut it!

Elijah & Ethan

2007-02-22T10:34:00.000-05:00

I always worry that our boys will resent Randy & I because we are fostering. Last night my kids so wonderfully reassured me that they enjoy(for the most part) fostering and what it means to our family.
The boys were upstairs playing with the oldest(51/2) and they came downstairs so excited and having such a good time. Ethan said this is so cool. I like being a big brother. Fostering is pretty cool.
When we have bad days and think we just can't do it any more God brings a good thought or an encouraging word or deed that gives us the strength to go on.

Sing with me Elmo should be outlawed!

2007-02-19T10:56:00.000-05:00

Sing with me Elmo has some problems. we were so sick of hearing him that I stashed it in my bedroom. This morning at 2AM Randy and I were awakened with "A,B,C,1,2,3, sing with Elmo"
It scared us half to death. Randy was grumbling if it wasn't the kids now it is stupid Elmo! I grabbed my scissors off the dresser and was ready to cut the battery pack out of Elmo and be done with it. Randy had a bit cooler head and got his toolman and just removed the batteries.
Elmo will not be getting his batteries put back in any time soon!

silence is golden

2007-02-16T13:30:00.000-05:00

Ahhh! the sound of nothing. Never knew it could be so beautiful. Nap-time is a wonderful thing!
having extra's in the house has really made me rely totally on God and it has made me see a few things in a different light.
One thing I have learned is how gifted my husband is at counseling. Our new boys need a lot of help and Randy has been so good at talking with them and they are doing so much better. I am amazed at the wisdom God gives him as he talks to these little guys.
I can really see how Randy and I fit as a team. My gifts and strenghts are not even close to his, but we compliment each other and it works.
I'll up-date as I can. One thing I can give praise to God about is the fact that we are getting sleep. Now that is a beautiful thing!

5 Boys

2007-02-11T13:19:00.000-05:00

We now are a family of 5 boys. We increased our family by 3 Friday night. Everything is going pretty well, but we could always use lots of prayer.
This is a more difficult situation and Randy & I are needing a lot of wisdom from God.
We already are seeing the effects of prayer.

The first night the youngest 2 (ages 3 & almost 4) were very scared of going to bed. They have seen way too much and were scard of boogey men, clowns and the bad man under the bed. They said they always have bad , scary dreams. We read stories and then we prayed. The next morning they said they had a good night and had good dreams about God. The middle boy said he talked to God all night and every time he takes a nap or goes to bed he says He is going to have a good dream about God.
That is so powerful to me. God is comforting them in this difficult time. he is being real to them and they are feeling His Presence. No matter what comes up God is fully able to handle it and He is helpimng these boys. He is so good!

My Beekepers

2007-02-08T06:58:00.000-05:00

The Mighty Beekeepers

2007-02-08T06:42:00.000-05:00

It is a beautiful thing to see a Dad teach his children. What a gift to teach something, to hand it down to the next generation. Beekeeping is a connector in our family. It keeps Randy connected to his Dad. It gives them a point of interest that they can spend time together and enjoy the same thing. Now it is a teaching and learning experience between Randy and his boys. It is a beautiful thing!

Report

2006-12-11T16:32:00.000-05:00

I did not die nor did I vomit from nervousness ( althought I wanted to)
I obeyed and the feeling of relief is overwhelming. God is good and I know His purpose will be accomplished with me doing a tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny part.

Another thing on Obedience

2006-12-11T13:06:00.000-05:00

I have been in a bit of a mood lately. I feel as though I am spinning my wheels and doing nothing for God. I thought that after we got our foster liscense we would be busy with kids and I would feel as though I as "doing" something productive. Last week as I was praying (whyning) to God about this. I disctinctly heard Him say" If you aren't going to do this one thing for me why am I going to trust you with more?" today I am going to do this one thing even if I puke from nervousness! I know God will be with me and it will be o.k.

Obedience is better than Sacrifice

2006-12-11T12:40:00.000-05:00

God asked me to do something a few months ago. I put it on my to-do list and then forgot it. But in my heart I can't for get it, so today is the day.
God's request will only take 5 minuts, tops, out of my day. It isn't even the time involved, it's the fact that what He is asking will stretch me out of my comfort zone. I really am terrified, but I think now I am more terrified of not obeying God.
So I'm going to step out and obey. It is ridiculous how scared I am to do this. If you knew what I was so afraid of you would laugh ( that's why I'm not telling).
So today I will obey. If the results are Earth-shattering I will post them. If not I will just know that I made one more step closer to being fully obedient to God. Sometimes it is the small things that are so hard to do!

Samson & Delilah

2006-12-08T10:25:00.000-05:00

Samson was a man set apart by God before his birth. His Momma had special instructions for him. He was a miracle. I am sure he was told all this numerous times during his childhood. Judges 13-16 talks of his life and all the things God did for him and how Samson was a tool in God's great plan. One thing that stuck out to me was the interaction between Samson & Delilah.
The Bible says Samson was in love with her, so he probably wasn't thinking too clearly about making wise decisions when he was with her. I know that she might have loved him, but not enough to refuse 1100 shekels from Samson's enemies, the philistines, for his capture.
This is the part of the story that in reading it you think Samson was an idiot. Delilah gets Samson alone and she gets all cuddly with him and says ," Oh Samy won't you tell me the secret of your strength?". So Samson makes up some bogus amswer and She does exactly what Samson said would subdue his strength and then yells out" O.k. Boys I got him! Come out and take your prisoner." And out jumps all these Philistines to pounce on Samson and take him captive. Samson beats them all up and then Delilah boo-hoos that Samson does not love her. This scenario goes on more than once. Each time there are Philistines in hiding waiting to capture Samson. What makes me think he just wasn't too bright was the fact that the last time he actually tells Delilah the secret of his strength. Seriously what does he think is going to happen now? The Philistines just wanted to sing lullabies to him? They want to capture him and make him their prisoner. And that is exactly what they did.
God got ahold of my heart while reading this because many times I, like Samson, am an absolute idiot. I know exactly what the outcome for my sin will be yet I still play with fire. after the first time Delilah pulled her little stunt, he should have run screaming from the room. But no, just like me I sometimes play with fire. How close to sin can I come without getting burnt? Before I know it I am consumed and I don't even know how.

Glad you are part of my family!

2006-12-06T13:59:00.000-05:00

Is there anyone that you are blessed beyond measure to be part of thier family?
I feel that way about a lot of people, but this week I am especially blessed to know Randy's Grandmother. She lives up North and we don't spend as much time with her as we would like, but she is such a sweetheart. She has been writing poetry for God since she was young and never tires of telling others about Jesus' love. Over the last year Randy and I have had the privelege of compling her "book of poems". We have been typing them out and want to get her book finished for Christmas. I have been touched by God every time I sit down to work on this project. Here is one that really made me stop and think.

A Giant

By Ethel C. Kauffman

Be a giant in God's kingdom

Looking to Jesus for our freedom

Rise up in warfare for He watches nearby

Never letting Satan spit in your eye

Rebuke him in all he tries to do

Tell him that Jesus is your mighty tool

For Jesus is my armor and my shield

So leave me alone for I will not yield!

Reading these poems has made me realize what a gift God has given me in the Grandmothers I have and how I was blessed with this wonderful woman when I joined Randy's family. I need to seek the wisdom of Her and my own Grandmother before it is too late. They are a precious jewel that needs to be displayed and admired. Thier wisdom could save me a lot of trials and errors if I would stop to ask and listen. They are truely a gift from God that is often times overlooked.

Feeding the Fat

2006-11-27T23:10:00.000-05:00

I sit, every Sunday, and listen and absorb wonderful teaching about God and His Word and how to live a holy life. I ponder it a few days and try to get it into my heart and then I complain that I forgot to tape Survivor and now I don't know who was voted off last week.
I am FEEDING the FAT!

I complain because I do not fit. I don't have a purpose. I use friends and families time and energy to console and pamper me when I am down.
I am FEEDING the FAT!

I sit everyday at a table with a loving husband, healthy kids and full plates of food. Everyday we leave that table with empty plates and full bellies. We thank the Lord for His Goodness to us and leave the table and continue with what we want to do.
I am FEEDING the FAT!

Every week I enjoy a wonderful Bible Study taught by a Godly man who teaches God's truths with a passion. I eat a dinner prepared by awesome cooks who love to make people feel welcome and loved. I enjoy love and fellowship. I feel safe. Who have I invited that needs God's truth? Who needs to feel safe? Who needs to have a meal to fill an empty belly?
I am FEEDING the FAT!

I have so many good teachings, words from the Lord, blessing from friends, love and safety of my family. I am wallowing in goodness. Goodness from God is only good when it is accepted and released. Taken and then given.
I am FEEDING the FAT!

Change, it is coming. It might be uncomfortable, but so necessary.

WHY!?!?

2006-10-19T09:09:00.000-04:00

Have you ever noticed how much WHY? sounds like waaaaaa?
Or what the beginning sound of whining (whyning) is?
I had this revelation on my way to work whenI was doing the aforementioned whyning and asking why.
No more WHY!? and waaa and worry. I have to trust God.
My God is a BIG GOD!!

Road Closed

2006-10-13T18:05:00.000-04:00

I have concluded that the English words, ROAD CLOSED, when used together on a huge sign in the middle of the road mysteriously changes meaning to a small percentage of my fellow hoosiers.
It some how configures in their brain in the following manner. ROAD CLOSED= speed up as fast as humanly possible, swerve around large sign, continue driving on closed road and try as hard as possible to hit the woman in the middle of the road wearing pink hat.

Attack of the Killer Bees

2006-09-26T10:48:00.000-04:00

Most of you have heard my childhood story of getting wasps stuck in my hair and getting repeatedly stung in the back of my head. After that incident I have had a horrible phobia of anything flying around my head. Most of you also know that Randy is a bee keeper so I have had to deal with my phobia head-on the last few years. I really was doing much better. I could even walk out by the bee hives and not break out into a cold sweat. That was until yesterday.
I was out mowing, minding my own business and Wham! the side of my head felt like it was on fire. I started to panic and felt around in my hair. I felt something crawling on my head and the pain just kepy intensifying. I really panicked and was yelling and trying to get whatever it was out of my hair while putting the mower into high gear and racing to the house. By the time I got to the house I had gotten the mystery stinging creature out of my hair and was trying to keep my composure enough to get in the house and get the stinger out of my head. At each pulse of blood went through my head the pain just kept getting worse. I finally had to have Ethan remove the stinger, I just couldn't function because the pain was so bad. He was so sweet and after he made sure I was o.k. He said"Can I finish my game now?" Oh, well I will take what sympathy I can get!
By the time Randy got home I was still hurting and wanting sympathy, but as the evening wore on the pain really got much better. Randy defended his sweet, docile, little honey making machines and said with the pain I was in it had to be a bumble bee or some other flying stinging menace. His kind italian bees would not inflict that kind of pain.
This morning I woke up with a horrible pain at the base of my neck. Right at my hairline at the back of my neck is swollen and it hurts to move my head. I was just thinking of the chances of getting stung in my head twice. And then the opportunity for God to teach me arose. In the worst of circumstances are the best lessons. When we are hurting the most is when we can recieve the best, if we are willing.
I was lulled into a false sense of sucurity in thinking I had overcome my fear. When I overcome a fear or get victory over an area in my life where I sin I cannot let my guard down. I can't get cocky amd think I have overcome this sin with the blood of Jesus and now I cannot be defeated by this again. I was starting to overcome this huge fear in my life and then WHAM! My fear was back full force whenI least expected it. Now I have a choice to make, I can go right back into being scared or I can say this is life, things happen and I won't fall into that pit again. I won't let fear rule over me.

Help Wanted

2006-08-31T22:18:00.000-04:00

Job Title : Servant

No experience needed. Previous church title, job, or position not necessary.
On the job training provided.
Only Prerequisite: A humble heart and willingness to listen and obey God in all things.

The most effective people for the job are willing to be anonymous, work hard and expect recognition from no one.
Earthly wage: empty wallet, sore feet, heavy heart and fatigue.

Heavenly wage: Eternity with Jesus

Matthew 20:26-28 Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, 27 and whoever wants to be first must be your slave--28 just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."

Most of my heroes are servants. My family, friends and church are full of my heroes. There are qualities in servants that should make them everyone's heroes.

Happy Birthday Ethan!

2006-08-24T14:23:00.000-04:00

Ethan will be 8 on Saturday.
Isn't he the orneriest, cutest kid ever?
Ethan is a tough nut to crack. He is a lot like me, so in some ways I feel horrible for the things I have passed on to him. He is painfully shy. It takes him forever to warm up to someone, but watch out when he does. He is such a clown sometimes I think he is 2 different kids. He loves to joke and tease and just have a good laugh. He has a temper and is so stubborn it drives me crazy. I tell him so many times to use his powers for good and not evil. Randy & I have said since Ethan was just a small baby that his stubbornness will be used for God. Once he gets it in his head he will do something, you had better watch out because nothing will stop him. He is also our little cuddle bug. Not so much now that he is a little older, but he will still give me lots of hugs and kisses throughout the day. He is afraid to try new things , but can excel at most if he would just give it a shot. He loves soccer and refuses to play any other sport. ( we think he is pretty awesome at it,too) As long as no one is watching he will praise God and dance with a passion, but as soon as someone notices him he will stop and almost cry out of embarrassment.
He is such a blessing to our family and we don't know what we would do without our litttle "Sugar Bear' ( I'm not supposed to call him that anymore, but I'm the Mom, I've earned the right!) oh and he has the best fashion sense. For a kid that doesn't want to be noticed he sure knows how to attract attention with his striped shirts, camo shorts and boots!

Hillbilly?

2006-08-21T14:16:00.000-04:00

This should, without a doubt, confirm that Randy & I are 100%, all-American, hillbillies!
The picture speaks for itself, but if you are unsure, yes that is a walnut tree growing through the back bumper of our truck.
We laughed so hard when we saw this. Sometimes it is difficult making a go of it out here on our little piece of heaven, but for the most part we have so much fun!

Poor,Poor Zoe

2006-08-15T23:40:00.000-04:00

Poor Zoe

2006-08-15T23:27:00.000-04:00

Zoe got into a skunk Sunday night. If you were at church I am sure you smelled the pleasing aroma wafting over from our woods. She already had an appt. Monday morning to be groomed, but she still reeked so bad all her hair was removed. Poor baby doesn't know what to do. She won't lay on the floor anymore. She has to be on a rug or her blankie. It is probably too cold. She has this depressed look all the time. Maybe we have a vain dog and she will be depressed until her gorgeous locks grow back in.

Just for Laughs

2006-08-15T11:03:00.000-04:00

In the Indy Star today there was an article titled" 'Pretty' couple likelier to have girl."
In a nutshell some brainiac has done a study on the physical attractiveness of a couple and the more attractive they are, the more likely they are to have a girl. It is evolution that the more attractive the woman is she will pass all her "beauty" genes on to a girl so she can snag a good man. Parents with traits more beneficial to the boys like large size, strenght and aggression are more likely to have boys.
Now while I was reading this I was thinking of celebrities (they had a picture of one couple with the article.) When I got done I realized wait a minute I have 2 boys. What are they saying? Are they saying I am ugly? Some people have way too much time on their hands. So are people who have some boys and some girls just kind of ugly?
Have a good laugh about this one ~

The boots are in the closet

2006-08-11T11:25:00.000-04:00

My working boots are officially in the closet as of today. They might only be there for a short while. We will have to see how things go. I've got lots of things to tell and wonderful insights to share. Right now I am glad to return to full-time stay-at-home Mom. Construction work is HARD, HARD work ! My bedtime has been 8:30 every night and I know my family would like to see more of me when I am not half asleep at the dinner table. I am proud of my guys, they all pitched in and helped make things work around the house. Not to say I don't have A LOT of cleaning to do today. I'm off to scrub the dirt out of my house!

The Little Red Wagon

2006-07-31T06:21:00.000-04:00

It was the summer of 1980. I was about 5 and my brother was 7 years old. One beautiful Saturday morning, our Mom had the audacity to ask us to clean our rooms. Oh, the horrors! Miss all our cartoons to clean up our mess. We lived for Saturday morning and Bugs & Daffy, Woody Woodpecker, the Jetsons. It was like the best part of our week, sitting in our pj's with milk from our cereal dripping from our chins while our eyes were glued to the tv for a few hours. We were done with tv when This Old House or the news came on. Life would then resume as normal and we would play or do whatever mischievious thing would come to mind. This particular Saturday morning our Mom put a kink in our plans. Clean our rooms! What nerve! We refused and she said do it anyway! After much deliberating and pouting about the unfairness of the world we hatched a fool-proof plan. We would run away. That way not only would we not have to clean our room we could have an adventure. If we got stopped halfway to nowhere, our parents would be so glad to have us safe at home that we would probably never have to clean our rooms again, maybe never do chores for the rest of our lives. We would live like Kings!
So we put our plan into action, we dug around in our mess of toys to find our favorites that would go on the journey with us. To an adult it might have resembled cleaning our rooms, but oh no we were packing for our trip. In the time it took us to pack, we probably could have cleaned our rooms and been zombies watching our cartoons, but we had a point to make. We had rights!
We drug our packs through the kitchen and told our Mom farewell. We went outside and got our trusty red wagon.We packed all our worldly possessions or at least the ones we could carry and set of to find a new home and a land of adventure. We pulled and tugged our wagon to the driveway. The excitement was bubbling up in our hearts. What would we see? Who would we meet? What would we eat for lunch? These questions rolled around in our heads. Our little wagon was getting a little heavy and we started to argue with each other about how much of each others treasures should have been left at home. All of our arguements stopped when we came to an abrupt halt. Something had come between us and our journey to see the wonders of the world. We came to the end of our driveway. The road came between us and the wilderness of the world. We sat and pondered our dilemma. We weren't allowed to cross the road. HHMMMM, why didn't we think of that? Who knows how long we sat there until one of us decided we must return to our house and face the music with dignity. We marched back to the house and our Mom just smiled and pointed to our rooms. Now we not only had to clean our rooms, but we had to lug all our"treasures" from the wagon to our rooms. That really stunk and by the time we quit feeling sorry for ourselves and actually cleaned our room it was almost bedtime. What! The whole day wasted, for what? A clean room! Who could of told us it was wasted by attitude and not by the chore.

I was reminded by God of this childhood memory while looking at my own boys disaster area they call a bedroom. God gave me this little thought to ponder on.
How many times does He ask me to do a simple task and I say"no" and have a pity party. I complain about the inequality of life and how unfair things are. I pack my little red wagon and set off to face the world on my own. "Oh He will be sorry for asking more of me than I can handle" Then I get to the road and realize, I can't cross it and if I could where on Earth would I go? He is everywhere. So I deflate my prideful ego and hang my head as I return home and now have all the extra work of unpacking my little red wagon added to my original request from God. Seems pretty silly when I think of it like that!

a Different Perspective

2006-07-28T10:17:00.000-04:00

Randy & I recently stumbled upon a song we both really enjoyed. The words were beautiful and powerful. I found the cd and bought it. The entire cd was good, although it was a bit dark & melancholy. After listening to the entire cd and enjoying it, I read the list of people the artist wanted to thank for helping make the music possible. There I found out his wife had committed suicide years before and this was his way of expressing his grief, anger, anguish and probably a million other emotions. That piece of info put it all in a different perspective. The words had a more painful meaning. I can't listen to it now with the same nonchalant attitude. In fact I really don't want to listen to it all because I can't think beyond the pain that caused it to be written.

John Travolta: Grease, Welcome Back Kotter and many other great movies. I used to love watching him and I thought he was pretty cute, too. (that always helps;)
After watching Pulp Fiction though I don't even want to watch any movie with him in it. I just couldn't get past the themes and violence that it contained. But now I have a thought and strong emotion directly tied to John Travolta and it has ruined enjoying any of his work. It is all a matter of a different perspective.
Would I rather be ignorant of Pulp Fiction so I can just enjoy all the other movies?
Would I rather not know the story behind the song so I could just enjoy a good song?
Take this train of thought as far as you want........
I might ponder it some more.

Blogging Break

2006-06-02T00:42:00.000-04:00

I have been contemplating taking a break for awhile. For many reasons I need a break.
Blogging has been good for me to get know people better and realize there are people I do not know well and I want to invest some time to get to know them and their family better.

Blogging has been a way for me to express things and share important things going on in my life.
Blogging has been a way to share a laugh and enjoy everyone's crazy experiences in life.

Blogging helped me to realize I still loved writing and it was a great release for me. "The Black Heart" may end up as a book yet.

Blogging was a way for me to get positive feed back and kind of boost a low self-esteem.

For those reasons and more I am sure I will return to blogging at some point.
I have enjoyed reading blogs and being able to share in your lives and the things that are important to you.
I plan to continue that, but in person. I want to continue to develop real friendships and enjoy the ones that God has already given me.
Really i have nothing exciting to say and when I work in the summer it is all I can do to be wife & Mom and keep my sanity.
hopefully when I return I will have something worth saying......... maybe a week, maybe a month who knows, it is a crazy world out there.
( Crazy stuff happens on the construction site, i might have more to say than what I think)

A Whole Bunch of Nothing

2006-06-01T19:57:00.000-04:00

* This for you Miriam, since you miss me so much:)

What has been going on in the Kemerly house the last few months:

Soccer is over ( officially on Sat.) Randy will miss it. He enjoys it so much. He is such a good Daddy! The boys will miss it too.

We met some wonderful people through soccer.

God has re-inforced our desire to foster/adopt by bringing the most amazing people into our lives. (That is a whole story in itself. ) I just don't know how it will all fall into place.

Randy & my brother and Matt (Thanks Matt, you don't know how much we all appreciated your help!) put a new roof on my parents house.

We have more big decisions to make in life. It just never seems to quit. There is always some sort of conflict. I keep asking God to tell me what I need to learn because I am tired of going around these mountains!

The boys and I are reading our way through the Chronicles of Narnia. They love it and it is sparking the most interesting conversations. I am amazed at the things they want to know about God and what they already grasp.

randy & I celebrated our 11th anniversary. I can say we are more in love now than when we first married. We truely are best friends and I can't imagine my life without him.

I am soon to go back to work for the summer. I am looking forward to it. Especially after I convinced my Dad & Brother I was NOT kidding about never flagging traffic again!

We are done with year 2 of homeschooling. We are going to try it again next year.too. It was a challenge to home school and foster at the same time, but one of the wonderful people we met through soccer also homeschools and fosters. They helped me to see that I wasn't a total failure at it. I was just human. I couldn't do it all.

So in a nutshell that's what we have been up to. Nothing profound just trying to find our way and be obedient to God. Not always an easy thing to do.

Rescue Mission

2006-05-02T09:50:00.000-04:00

Last Friday the boys and I were at my parents house, helping my Dad. Elijah found a litter of kittens that had been abandoned. Two were already dead and so we were going to try and save the remaining two. We tried everything to prevent bottle feeding these kittens. Nothing worked so my Mom was going to have to go to Petsmart and get a bottle and formula. She did not want to mess with these kittens, but she didn't want to just let them die. Elijah started begging me to take them home with us." Please Mom, I'll do all the work" he said. (Yeay right I was not born yesterday) Since I knew my Mom was not feeling like messing with these kittens and Elijah really wanted to try nursing them back to health, we made a deal. we would get them on solid food and if we couldn't find a home then my parents would take them back.
*****A sidenote: I think we have a home for one, if anyone would like a kitten just ask we will GLADLY give it to you. (We might even put a bow on it. Mother's Day is coming up;)

We brought the kittens home and Mom brought over formula and a bottle and we are good to go. Randy said it would be good for the kids to see that it is hard work taking care of little ones. Maybe they would appreciate what they have more. Elijah does about 50% of the work and I do about 50% of the work. Better than what I thought would happen. Elijah is excited because it is his first rescue mission. He told me he didn't think it would be so hard. he said.' This is a lot more work than I thought." He also doesn't want to give them away. I told him to look at it like he is their foster parent and he will get them healthy and send them to a good home. he liked the idea of that and now he is o.k. with it. It is a good experience for him, but I can't wait until those kittens are gone!

More about me!

2006-04-17T09:32:00.000-04:00

I asked Jesus into my heart for the first time when I was 13. It was at a Carmen concert. Even though I backslide after that it is one of the most important times in my life. I remember it like it was yesterday.

My favorite dog is a beagle.

I am a tightwad. I really don't enjoy spending money.

I really don't enjoy shopping. unless it is clearance. I will spend time in a clearance aisle,though! grocery shopping is probably the most fun for me.

Country music is my favorite, but not the recent country. I like the old country up to the early ninties.

I love to make lists. I joke that I make lists of my lists.

I still have a pair of purple argyle socks I got in the sixth grade for Christmas. I still wear them, too.

I don't like wearing jewerly or make-up very much.

I am a klutz. I broke my foot falling off a sidewalk. I didn't even fall down, I just snapped the bone in my foot. I also break a lot of things. That's why God gave me my own personal McGyver as my husband:)

My favorite job was a chiropractic assistant.

The best job I will ever have is being a Mom. I love every part of being a Mom.

I had a crush on Patrick Swayze as a kid, "Dirty Dancing " was my favorite movie.
My other crush was Stephen Scheffler, he was #55 on Purdue's basketball team, back in the day.

I played the trumpet in school.

My best friend growing up was German Baptist. Going to her church was an experience I will never forget.

I am terrified of bees, flies, bugs, anything that flies around my head. As a kid I got hornets or wasps(I don't know which) caught in my hair and they stung me repeatedly in the back of my head. My Dad had to squish them with his hands to kill them.

Fun Facts

2006-04-15T15:25:00.000-04:00

Lisa,you have started a trend and I am joining the band wagon.
Here are a few tid bits about me.

1. My favorite comics are Baby Blues and Calvin & Hobbes.

2. I love the smell of clothes that are hung on the line. I also enjoy hanging them out on the line.

3. My least favorite part of housekeeping is dishes.

4. My first job was running the candy store located inside Sears at Castleton Square Mall. It was by the escalator and no longer exists.

5. Randy & I met in Lawn & Garden at Wal-mart ( we were both working there)

6. He proposed to me in front of our entire church.

7. I went to Purdue and then IUPUI for 1 1/2 years to be a social worker.

8. I love chapstick!!!!!

9. I don't do well with change. Doesn't matter what it is, even small stuff.

10. My favorite vacation spot is Skagway, Alaska. It is peaceful, quiet and so beautiful.

11.I am a homebody, I am very content to just be at home with my family.

12. I love board games and card games. My whole family growing up played cards every time we got together.

13. My first car was a 1978 Olds Cutlass Supreme. My Dad bought me a chevy S10 about a year later, He said it didn't have as much "get up and go" if you catch my drift;)

14. I LOVE chocolate. When it comes to chocolate I have no self control. I will eat it until I am sick.

15. I am a tidy pack rat. I keep everything, but it must be in a tote labeled and dated for quick reference. Both the boys have about 2 totes of stuff I have saved for them. I have every bill I have paid since Randy & I have been married.

16. Sleeping in hotels creep me out. I take my own pillow and blankets. You just never know how clean they are.

17. I love to camp as long as I can take a shower. This drives Randy absolutely NUTS! It limits our camping choices alot!

18. I like buying stationary and writing letters.

19. Reality TV is a guilty plesure of mine. Survivor, Super Nanny, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Airline, I love it!

20. I love to go barefoot- I really don't enjoy wearing shoes of any kind very much.

21.I love most foods with vinegar in them. Malted vinegar on fish, pickles, cucumbers and onions in vinegar, vinegar & salt chips. The best is pickled bologna. MMmmmm Good!

22. My LEAST favorite movie of all time is "Wizard of OZ". I was in high school before I could watch it all the way through. I would hide under my parents bed every year when my brother watched it. Those flying monkeys give me the creeps.

So there are a few tidbits, after reading them I thought " Boy I am kind of neurotic and yet very boring at the same time."

A Survivor Question

2006-04-14T10:05:00.000-04:00

If you went on the show Survivor, what is the one thing you would take with you?

My Answer: Chapstick!!!!!!!!!

Our "Pet" Squirrel

2006-04-12T13:38:00.000-04:00

We have a squirrel that has adopted us. He lives in the trees close to our house and we can watch him foraging for nuts and scampering up to his home safe in the treetops.
He was part of our menagerie of animals until a few weeks ago. Now he is on the most wanted list.
It was a rainy day a few weeks ago and the boys were doing their schoolwork. All of a sudden we heard a knock-knock sound on the side of the house. We all ran out and saw our little "pet". We thought "how cute he is banging his food against the side of the house to eat it."
We heard the same knock-knock a few days later in the same spot. Elijah was watching him out of the front door and spooked him. So little "pet" ran around to the side of the house. I heard him a few minutes later by a different window so I pulled the screen out and poked my head out of the window to see him in action. Oh, boy did I ever see him in action. He wasn't trying to crack his winter supply of nuts open to eat. He was eating the side of my house. There were little nibble marks all down the side of the house. He wasn't the cute squirrel anymore, he was dead meat. I told Randy about it and he got his gun out and the next time we heard him He fired a warning shot to scare him. After all he was sort of a pet. We didn't want to kill him, yet.
We thought the gun scared him off and our house was saved. No, this is one determined squirrel. He was back at it again bright and early this morning. I let Zoe out and she chased him down, Mr.Squirrel got a sudden burst of energy at the last second and avoided death by Zoe. So he is down to no more chances. Mr. Squirrel is dead the next time I catch him making the siding on my house his main course!

Happy Birthday Elijah Aaron!

2006-04-07T08:03:00.000-04:00

Today my sweet baby is 10. He was born on Easter sunday 10 years ago, seems like yesterday. I am so proud of him and the young man he is growing up to be. He is such a compassionate, tender-hearted kid. (except when it comes to his brother, they seem to enjoy beating each other up daily.)
A little tid bit about Elijah on his birthday:
He has planned on rescuing endangered animals since he was about 4. He wants to be a vet and travel around the world,to heal sick and injured animals. He and Ethan want to build zoos for the animals and put a church in it so they can tell the people about God and animals at the same time. Every year they get older the plan gets more elaborate.
He is a great kid and I am so proud to be his Mom.

Happy Birthday Elijah!

The Black heart~ an explanation

2006-04-03T22:29:00.000-04:00

This will in a small way explain the previous post of "The Black Heart"

A few months ago while I was sitting in worship at church I saw a heart beating and functioning in a body, then I saw sin enter as hurt, fear, rejection, and as each thing happened the heart was damaged. As it was damaged it began to die and was no longer useful to the body.
I sometimes see things as words and as I saw this picture, God gave me phrases and words to describe what I was seeing. I just put it on the desk and left it for awhile.
today I was thinkiing of it and wanted to piece it together, so it is a combination of my testimony and something God spoke to me months ago. Maybe He was just showing me what had become of my heart, i don't know. I hope this makes sense and for me it was a big wake-up of how a small thing can do damage to my heart and if not fixed it will grow and grow until eventually it will kill me.

The Black Heart

2006-04-03T16:36:00.000-04:00

The anger raged and swelled inside my chest. Trying to control the tumult, fear frustration and every other negative emotion was taking its toll. I was no longer able to contain the intensity of emotions that rose within my mind, body and soul. My black heart was taking control.
It didn’t have to be this way. In fact it wasn’t always this way. My heart was once clean and fresh, new as the day my Maker formed me.
The first nasty bruise on my heart came as early as grade school, mostly out of my own inhibitions, the constraints I put on my own life. That dark bruise came at the first pangs of rejection and it was never given the love and compassion to heal before the barrage of angry red tears and rips began to appear. The bruising increased with intensity as the self-inflicted, self-loathing, hate and self pity increased with alarming regularity. Infection caused irreparable harm as the fear and pain festered in the heart. The rejection by my peers, not feeling like my thoughts, my life mattered to this angry world. All those angry, vicious emotions were given safe harbor in my tortured heart. I repeated daily the insults that were slung at me at school. They rolled around and around inside of my head torturing my dreams.
All those words, actions and thoughts against the heart turned it into a darkened, dead organ, dark and brittle as charcoal. It was dead, no longer a viable use to the body. Rejected by body, spirit, and soul, but fearing the void would not be filled I clung to it like a life-line, unable to give it up. Every scar, cut, bruise, every ounce of pain represented my past, my life, who I was to this point. To give up my blackened heart was to give up myself. I would disappear and not matter, my life would be for nothing. My last link to a so-called life, what I called living.
I did not know how close my rescue was. I was not aware that with one cry to the Father, the one who formed me with His loving hands, He was the one to replace my fragile, bitter, battered and bruised heart. He, with all surgical precision, practice and skill could transform my hate, rage and pain into pure perfection. With no mistakes, no faults, I could have a pure, beating heart with life breathed straight from the mouth of the Creator. Who could describe the sweetness of that moment, the fresh, pure beating of a new heart? Restored to pump life in a pure untainted sense, my black, brittle heart was reborn and renewed with one cry, one pleading, sobbing cry. I was reborn, new and fresh, loved with an intensity I had never known.
Now it was my job to protect my heart at the first signs of bruising or pain. I need to run to my Father and have Him cleanse me again and again. I don’t want to return to harboring a dead and scarred useless heart. I never again want to grow accustomed to harboring the rage that always lurked beneath the surface. I never again want to forget the sweetness and purity of my new heart.

Lesson 3 ~ My boys are growing up!

2006-03-24T13:47:00.000-05:00

My boys are growing up. I still think of them as my little boys and having a 1 year old and three year old in the house made me realize how grown-up my boys are becoming.
I am not saying I am going to make them get a job and pay their own way now, but I needed a wake-up call that they need more responsibility and some room to grow. I take my job as a parent seriously (sometimes too much) and I can be downright mean if anyone messes with my kids. That's just the way I am. God is helping me to realize they are growing up and I will have to let go. They are becoming young men and they need to make some mistakes and deal with the consequences. Ethan is my onery one. I am going to have to crack down on that boy because all he has to do is give me his impish little grin and get me to laughing and he knows his punishment will be forgotten.
For the last ten years I have poured all of my energy into being a Mom. I realized that I need to start letting them go and have adventures and experiences on their own. They need a little more freedom to figure out who they want to be and not just be who I think they should be. I want to prepare them for the world and I want them to always know that they have a place to come and their parents will always support them and love them, but at the same time I don't want to make it too comfortable and have them both living here when they are 30.

Jesus in the Bathtub ?!?!

2006-03-23T06:10:00.000-05:00

This is one of the experiences I had with our oldest foster child who was 3 years old.

Randy and I have made a habit of reading to Elijah and Ethan and praying for them and over them every night as we tuck them into bed. We have done this since Elijah was a baby.
When we got our "new" boys we knew this would be a great opportunity to tell them about Jesus and just pray blessings over their lives.
Neither one of the boys wanted to be put to bed, they were scared and confused, so Randy put a cd player in their room and put in a worship cd. After about the 3rd night the didn't even fuss at going to bed. The oldest wanted his songs on and he went to bed fine.
I would pray with them both and read a Bible story to them every night. It became our bedtime ritual and it helped calm them and they were no longer fearful of being alone or going to sleep.
The last night we had them the oldest asked me if Jesus was going to sleep on his floor again. It kind of gave me goosebumps because when a child talks about spiritual things I listen. I think they are more in tune to the spritual than adults and I tend to believe what they tell me. So I thought " How cool is that! Jesus sleeping in my house!"
So anyway I'm sure you are curious about Jesus in the bathtub!
The last day we had them I was in the bathroom with the oldest ( we were potty training so I spent a lot of time in the bathroom, cheering or sometimes bribing him to" please go potty!")
He was sitting on his little potty seat and looked at the bathtub. We had the kids dinosaurs lined up around the edge of the bathtub. He pointed and said "hey, there's the man over there with the dinosaurs." I looked and thought maybe there was some toy he was looking at. There wasn't. So I asked him about the man. My first thought was there was a demon in my bathtub and I just didn't want to have to deal with that. So I asked him "Is it a good man or bad man?"
He really didn't give me an answer. So I said" If you want the man to go away, just say 'In Jesus name get out of here'".
So he says " Jesus you get out of here!"
"No, No, we want Jesus to stay, if it is a bad man tell him to go." I say.
So he looks at me with his cute little smile and keeps looking at the bathtub and he finally repeats " Jesus name get out of here."
So I am not really sure what it was, but if Jesus was sleeping on the floor with him I believe he was in the bathtub looking over Him. Maybe He was cheering on the potty accomplishments, too!

Lesson Two~ A good mind set is esstential

2006-03-22T09:35:00.000-05:00

I realized the mind set I had going into the whole foster system would probably make me or break me. The sytem has problems, if I focused on the problems I was always going to be in constant turmoil. I decided that God Is in control. I say that, but there are times when I just didn't believe it. Randy and I have been through court cases and when the judge would make a decision that "seemed" as though it was against us I would instantly think God hated us- He must or this decision would have been different.
After going through the trials over our farm, I really know that God does work all things for good and when it seems the most desparate and hopeless, He shines like the brightest star and gives new hope and a new way out!
I never would have thought that all those court dates and being miserable for a time, building this house would prepare us so perfectly for fostering.
When we got our "new" boys, I knew we would only have them a short time (I just didn't know it was going to be 3 weeks short).
My plan was to send them home better than they came. So we just jumped in as a family and started tackling things one day at a time. It amazes me how much we accomplished in 3 short weeks. God is so good!
When we got the call for them to go back to their family I will admit I was mad and I knew this wasn't the best. I had so many other things I wanted to teach them and have them accomplish.
This is where going through things and not getting the answer I wanted helped so much. After my initial mad wore off I thought about it. God is in control and He does know what is best, so I am going to make this positive. I am now going to trust Him to care for these 2 boys and know I did the best I could in the time God gave me to care for them.
I walked away in peace instead of fear and worry.
God helped us to go into the situation with our minds set on Him and what He wanted us to do.

Lesson One~ Sleep is Essential

2006-03-20T10:48:00.000-05:00

I can cook dinner while feeding a baby, discipline a 3 year old, administer a spelling test all while loading the dishwasher and correcting a math test, but ask me to do that on 2 hours of sleep and you get a crazy woman who cries all day and can't form a coherent sentence.
I learned that I can live without a shower for a day, chocolate, eating, having a moment of complete silence, but I CAN NOT function without sleep.
So I guess next time I will try to not be super woman. I was trying to keep my house as clean as I did before we added more kids and keep the boys on their same school schedule. That was insanity and I should have just taken a nap every once and awhile. Shouldn't have taken a rocket scientist to figure that one out!

Up-Date

2006-03-16T06:19:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to give everyone a quick up-date on yesterday. We had an informational meeting with the family and their caseworker when we gave them the boys.
God was in that room. I felt His presence and peace. Everything went so well and I want to believe that this family WILL make it.
The most awesome thing is when the family thanks you for what you have done for their kids. They thanked us so many times for the work we had done with them and the accomplishments the boys had achieved. The Dad even shook our hands and said we can see the boys anytime we want. I just don't know how often that happens.
Randy told them how much the oldest loved church and the parents said he was afraid of a lot of people and wasn't used to be around anyone, but their family. We kind of laughed and told them how friendly he was and was introducing himself to everyone and wanted to always sit with"the Girls". He is already a ladies man!
Randy and I walked away sad, but hopeful and filled with peace. Originally I couldn't believe it and thought it was a horrible idea that they were going with Grandma. Now I am filled with peace and am comforted after our meeting that these boys are loved and will be taken care of.
Not to sayI don't miss them. All night I was praying " Oh, I hope they go to bed well and don't cry all night."
More to come on our Lessons Learned~

3 short or long weeks

2006-03-15T08:59:00.000-05:00

Our first try at fostering will come to an end this afternoon.
We are sad. It didn't take long for us to let these kids into our hearts.
Elijah was an awesome big brother, almost too much. After one week the baby was so spoiled he didn't want to walk anymore. Ethan shows his emotions differently and he did have a hard time adjusting to sharing me with 2 boys who required more of my attention. Both of my boys asked me " So when are we getting more kids? Are we going to adopt the next ones?"
Randy and I have some decisions to make before the next phone call to foster comes and we want to do what God wants and not what our flesh wants.
So I will write more about our first experience and how it has changed us and what we have learned, but for now I need to get prepared for this afternoon when I have to give back 2 boys I would claim as my own and keep forever(if I could).
Any prayers would be appreciated so much. Thanks to all of you who also got attatched to these precious boys and I hope you will continue to pray for them that God will always have His Hand on them and in the end their whole family will be saved. Isn't that what God really wants? Healthy families who serve and love Him. This is my prayer for this family.

Sleep- It is a beautiful thing!

2006-03-03T10:11:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to give an up-date to you all.
I am in a better frame of mind. Thank-you for all the prayers and pep-talks and love. We couldn't have made it through without it.
We survived the funeral. it wasn't as bad as I thought, You might still pray for my Dad if you think of it. He holds all his emotions in so you never really know how he is.

As far as fostering goes- we are finally getting some sleep-so I feel a little more coherent now.
I love to get a good nights rest almost as much as I love chocolate so for the last week I was really a mess. randy was able to stay home 3 days for the funeral. He is such an amazing husband, I hated to see him go back to work today.
God is good though. I am not giving up. We will work through this and I know we will get settled sooner or later.

I need prayer.

2006-02-27T10:23:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to ask any of you that read this to pray for me and my family. I found out yesterday that my Dad's Mom died late Saturday night. My Dad's family has had a lot of family issues and it has only gotten worse over the years. I hadn't seen my Mamaw since last Christmas. My dad has been hurt by his family and I am worried about him. The funeral is Wednesday and if it wasn't for my dad I wouldn't even go.
Randy just called me this morning and one of his friends from work went home sick on friday, Randy went to work this morning and found out he had died over the weekend. Randy said " I really was talking to him about God and I thought he was recieving it. I hope it was enough." Randy is pretty upset.
I don't think this would get to me so much, but I am going on practically no sleep. i don't know if I am cut out for fostering. It is funny we have talked about this since before we were marrried. we even built a stinking house for it and now I don't think I can do it. It is all so overwhelming. i worry about my boys and what impact it will have on them. It just don't know if i can handle all of it.
I know God is a big God and He will show me the right way. I just thought it was the way all along and now I feel like on the outside I am strong and meeting everyone's needs and on the inside i am falling apart and don't know how to fix it.
If you think of us just pray- This is going to be a rough week without God's help.

Soccer time!

2006-02-18T15:41:00.000-05:00

It is that time of year again.
We are busy, busy with soccer, but it is something we enjoy as a family.
Randy is going to coach both of the boys teams again this year.
It will also be mohawk time again, soon.
I think some of the other players are intimidated by the boys mohawks. They see this crazy boy with wild hair charging down the field at them and they move out of the way. I think it is our secret weapon!

Zoe-update

2006-02-17T09:48:00.000-05:00

Traci- Thanks for the advice on tomato paste. i had heard of it, but never knew of anyone who used it and knew for sure it worked.
Unfortunately we had no tomato juice or paste.
So Elijah helped me scrub her with my lavender body wash.
I think it toned the smell down a little. You didn't gag when she walked near you last night.
So that is the latest on the adventureous life of Miss Zoe- Oh- No-E.

Our Zoe

2006-02-16T10:23:00.000-05:00

This is Zoe last spring.

This is Zoe when we got her last Christmas.

She is a spoiled farm dog. She gets to run around and dig things up and be a mischievious dog during the day and at night she must endure getting cleaned up from her day of fun and gets loved on and spoiled and then sleeps on her blankie next to our bed. She is spoiled. Last night I brought her in and started to clean her up. Randy asked what that horrible smell was. It was Zoe. She had gotten into a skunk and she smelled so bad it almost burnt your nose. I guess my sense of smell was so bad from standing next to her for so long that I couldn't smell it at first. I don't think she got sprayed directly or I'm sure it would have been unbearable. She wasn't the princess of the house last night for sure. I think it was actually wearing off today- so I know it wasn't as bad as it could have been. I kept telling myself it could have been worse and I'm thankful it took her this long to discover the wonderful aroma of skunk!

The Children's Museum- NOT!

2006-02-13T18:36:00.000-05:00

The boys and I made plans to go on a field trip today. We thought we would go to the Children's Museum and invited my Mom.
We get everything planned and I checked on-line this morning to see what road I exit from I-70.
Guess what? The Children's Museum is closed on Mondays in the winter. Ah, That stinks! So I call my Mom. She suggested the Children's Museum in Muncie- Great idea! Not! They, too, are closed on Monday. Wilbur Wright Museum- no go.
So I asked the boys "What do you want to do?"
"Play a board game, go out to eat and see a movie."
O.k. we can handle that.
I check movie times and we decided on Hoodwinked. We are all set, good to go.
I double check movie times and It has changed- they had left the Saturday times up and the next showing wasn't until 5:30. Ok, by now I am just a little bit irritated, mostly with myself, but irritated no less.
So I check movies 8 and they have Chicken Little playing- everyone is o.k. with that so we head out.
The movie only cost us $.50 a person and we all loved it.
The boys both had fun and my Mom and I just enjoyed getting to spend the day together.
Our day didn't turn out as we planned, but we i think the end result was the same. we got to spend time together and enjoy each others company.
So next time we plan something it will NOT be on Monday- Maybe the weekend was just too rough and no one could cope come Monday morning!
( BTW- the picture is of us at the St. Louis Arch. That is if anyone noticed and was wondering where that was at the Children's Museum!)

2006-02-06T10:43:00.000-05:00

Today I had a visitor.
I NEVER have visitors.
A car pulled up and the dog started barking. I kept looking because The woman looked familiar, but I just couldn't place her.
And then it dawned on me. Erika! randy's younger sister.
This was a miracle. We hadn't seen her in over 3 years, we had no idea even where she was living.
She had messed her life up and completely rid herself of the family.
She told me she woke up today and wanted to show me her kids. She has 3 beautiful kids, we had never seen the youngest 2.
She said she was just compelled to see her family so she visited with me and then went to see her Grandma.
She said she would come back later when she can visit longer and so Randy can see the kids.
I was excited, but reserved because she has played on my sympathies before. i will just have to leave it to God.
And then I realized: It was Erika that I put on the little white card at church!

My Boys

2006-01-24T11:09:00.000-05:00

I am really proud of my boys. I have my days when I want to wring their necks, but for the most part they are pretty good kids. Lately I have been second guessing my parenting skills. Randy says if I don't have something to worry about, I will worry about not worrying- so I guess this was my worry of the week. I just want them to grow to be Godly young men and be able to make a difference in this world. Sunday I was blessed and was told what great kids they were by a few people. They won't know how I appreciated that. Eli & Ethan received $1 a piece for saying a Bible verse correctly after Sunday night service. After we got home Ethan came up to me and handed me his dollar, I looked at him and asked him what it was for. He said" you are a great cooker and make me awesome food and I want you to have my dollar". That melted my heart. Then Elijah came in the room and said "I want to buy Dad a tool with my dollar. He works really hard for us to have stuff." I just wanted to cry.
I know that they are onery, little punks sometimes, but for the most part they are awesome boys with hearts of gold!

Do you ever need a reminder?

2006-01-23T12:48:00.000-05:00

Today is a reminder day.
I needed to look back at where we came from to remember where we are going.This has been a long road, a road that seems never ending.
We started our house on 9-1-01 with $900 in our pockets. I don't think one aspect turned out the way we planned.
We are still trusting because, once again we are in a position of needing more money to finish.
I hope though that this can be a source of encouragement for someone because God always met our needs, He always gave us what we needed, when we needed. looking at these pictures I remember the emotions I had. I probably had a hateful, depressed look on my face for about 2 years straight!Looking everyday at the big muddy hole that was supposed to be my house. There were days I just couldn't believe it would ever happen. Our house was in the" muddy hole" stage for over a year. A few people asked if we were just going to make a big fishing pond. I can laugh about it now, but then I probably wanted to punch them. It took us about 6 months to get from the concrete slab stage to framing it in. Talk about a faith tester!" Will we ever get this done?" came out of my mouth more than once. We got so much rain after it was framed in we actually took a shop vac to suck the water off the second floor. I poured gallon after gallon of water over the side of the house praying God would protect the floor and it wouldn't be ruined.
Every time I felt like giving up something miraculous happened and God made it o.k. Sometimes all it took was God giving me the strength to keep at it for just one more day. Today is the 2 year anniversary of when we moved in. The difference in our house in 2 years is amazing. We had no flooring other than the concrete slab, no kitchen cabinets ( I washed the dishes in the bathroom sink) The upstairs had drywall up and that was it. Everyday and every night we worked on this house. Finally we are beginning to see the finish line(as far as the building of the house is concerned)
So all this is a reminder of where we were and were we are going. Last week I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders, this week is starting out the same. We are still waiting for money to finish the upstairs, but in the meantime we will go ahead and have our homestudy on Thursday. We have room for 2 kids downstairs. I guess that will do for now. Then I had a new thing to worry about. We don't have a car big enough for more than 2 more kids anyway. Maybe it's not that I should worry, but rest in the fact that God provides everything when and exactly how it is needed!
We have gotten more done to the house since these pictures where taken (yes, we do have a kitchen sink!) My Dad always tells me "Rome wasn't built in a day!" So when I get discouraged and feel I am not getting any closer to where God wants me I try to remember what things were like just a few years ago. The adventure was never easy, but God always kept us on the right path, He protected us, encouraged us and I think we are better people for traveling through it.

Tootsie Rolls in the Dryer

2006-01-20T12:17:00.000-05:00

Why would tootsie rolls be in my dryer? Good question with a simple answer. I have 2 boys. Enough said.
I was folding clothes yesterday and kept smelling chocolate. I looked and stuck inside my dryer was pieces of melted tootsie roll.
I have found the most amazing and odd things in my washer and dryer. Randy asked why I don't check pockets better. Bad question to ask while I am trying to scrub tootsie roll out of my dryer.

2005 in Review

2006-01-08T20:52:00.000-05:00

I decided to look back at 2005 and make a list of all the things that were accomplished that brought Randy and I closer to our goal.
Our goal being buy the farm, build a house big enough we can adopt a lot of kids, develop friendships that are not superficial and be a support and source of encouragement to our friends to follow their dreams. I know God has more than that, but that is all I know of for sure from Him for now
So by looking at 2005 in those terms it was a fantastic success!
*We were able to get to know a few people better. We listened to their dreams and were so encouraged to hear what other people wanted to do for God. And we have had soooo much fun having people over and just spending time with wonderful people.
**We saw God restore a marriage and use that couple to minister to others with broken hearts and marriages. AWESOME!
***Randy coached the boys soccer teams and we met so many wonderful people. Randy had a blast doing it, also! ( That really isn't part of our long term goals. Just wanted to brag again about my hubby and what a great father he is!)
****Randy and I have almost completed all of our classes and paperwork to be foster parents and to adopt. This is a huge one!
*****After MANY trials, we were finally able to buy the remainder of the farm. That was such a huge relief. I can't say enough how much stress that relieved out of my life.
******We were able to help another family out. Spiritually, financially and keep them from being homeless. I get excited when thinking about this one because isn't this what it is all about. We have something, someone else needs it and so we give it up for them. To think God used us in this way is a tremendous thing.
This was just a quick recap of 2005. I keep all of my calendars so I can go back and see what we did and where we were at differents times in our life. Looking back through this calendar excited me and I am looking forward to another successful year in God.
It is easy to forget the bad things when you see how many good things happened.
I managed to stay out of the hospital this year too. Now that is something to shout about!
Here is to an Awesome 2006. God's gonna do even more this year, cause my faith is getting so much bigger. I am expecting bigger and better things.

New Zoo Revue

2006-01-08T20:49:00.000-05:00

Does anyone remember The New Zoo Revue?
Henrietta Hippo, Freddy Frog, Charlie the owl.
I loved this show when I was a kid!

My Husband

2006-01-08T19:56:00.000-05:00

I need to brag on my hubby tonight.
He is off working a long night for his family. We needed some extra money so he volunteered for overtime at a job he really doesn't like. Usually when we are short on money it is because I spent too much on the kids or Randy bought too many toys at Best Buy or we just weren't frugal enough. This time it is different.
We made a commitment to help someone out financially. We made the commitment when we had the extra money. Now it is hurting the pocketbook a little and so Randy is being true to his word and going the extra mile to provide for his family and help someone else out. I love him for that.
He provides so I can stay at home and home-school our boys and be a full-time Mom. I love staying at home and he sacrifices so I can do that. If I worked, he could get a job he enjoyed.
He will not do that. He would rather work a job that he is unhappy at so he can provide enough for me to stay home. I love him for that.
I am proud to be his wife.
He works so hard. When I would want to give up when we worked on the house, he kept going.
He never gave up working on our house. When he was tired or discouraged, he just kept going.
He did not want to let his family down. He built us a beautiful, warm house that we can enjoy.
I am one lucky lady.

My perception = My Deception

2006-01-05T06:28:00.000-05:00

The sideways glance, the laughter, the well-dressed person, the apparent snub, all of these things can be perceived a certain way.
I learned a valuable lessen about perception.
I have always been paranoid. I assume the worst. Someone is not talking to me because they are mad. I hurt their feelings. If they are mad at me then I am not going to talk to them. All of these dialogues have went through my head multiple times before.
I make an assumption and then take it as fact.
God changed all of that.
I started a friendship with someone I thought had a lot of friends and didn't need one more. Someone I thought was confident and their life was close to perfect.
I found out that that they appeared to have friends, but everyone kept it on a superficial level. Everyone else thought they had plenty of friends, too and that left this person out in the cold.
Never assume anything.
How often did I use to assume something, take it for a fact, then act accordingly.
Now I try to spend time with someone. Ask them about their life. Find out their hopes and dreams. It has suprised me how spending quality time with people has changed me so much.
And if I think someone is upset with me, I just simply ask "Did I do something to hurt you?"
It has surprised me to get the answer to that question, too. Sometimes it had nothing to do with me at all. I was the one snubbing them because, yet again, I assumed something.
It is amazing how not assuming anything and having a dialogue with people has changed my heart.
I have new friends I would never had before.

Back to Work

2006-01-03T08:26:00.000-05:00

The holiday season is officially over for the Kemerly's.
Randy is back to work today and we will try to get back to schoolwork for the kids.
I miss Randy when he is not home. I get spoiled having him here all day. The more time we spend together, the more time we want to spend together.
For me one of the only good things about the holidays is Randy being home all day for a week or so.
The holidays wear me out. I think it is mostly because of the traveling. We go North, South, East and west to visit family.
Usually I love Christmas. I listen to Christmas carols all year round. I love decorating the house and making cookies with the boys. I don't know what my problem was this year. I was a big BAH HUMBUG!
It never even felt like Christmas and I was so glad to put away the decorations.
Maybe that is what turning 30 does to me. Turns me into more of a grouch than usual.
But it is a new year and I am in need af a new attitude, so it is perfect timing.
I will have to look back through my calendar to make a post about 2005. I can't remember what happened or what I did all year.
I have lost my memory- something else I can blame on my milestone birthday!

Weird-O

2005-12-09T08:13:00.000-05:00

I have concluded I am just plain weird.
I just found Christmas lists from every year that Randy and I have been married.
10 years of every item I have bought anyone for Christmas, how much I spent every year and who I received Christmas cards from and who I sent them out to.
The thing is I thought that is was weird that I kept it and then I thought"well you never know if I might need that" so I put it back in the file folder and put in the christmas card box.

Vacation

2005-11-10T10:38:00.000-05:00

We are home again from beautiful Gatlinburg,TN.
I am so thankful we were able to go away for awhile. We needed it more than I think we realized.
I am thankful for my awesome family. My parents decided last year to make memories with us instead of buying Christmas gifts.
So this was our second annual Rainey-Kemerly-Goodman-Fletcher getaway.
My parents rent a cabin for a week and my family, my brothers family, my Mamaw and my Aunt&Uncle go for the week.
The most amazing thing is we all get along and really enjoy each others company.
That is probably a miracle in itself!
The 4 grandkids have a blast. They get to sleep in a room by themselves. They played Indians in the woods, went on hikes and the best was Ober Gatlinburg.
My brother,sister-in-law, Randy & I took the kids up in the tram and then on the ski lift to the Alpine Slides. we had so much fun racing each other down. we would pick different people to race and see who could win. We all acted like big kids. It was AWESOME!
I am scared of heights so Randy thought I should ride the ski lift with Elijah since he was older. Big mistake. This kid is fearless. He was swinging around, getting it to bounce and wanting to jump out of it. I had to close my eyes most of the time. I love roller coasters, but going slowly up the side of the mountain in a tiny metal seat, where you are very aware of how high you are off the ground, not fun!
Ethan and Lauren are the youngest and they kept saying they wanted to ride the "Charlie". It took us forever to realize it was the trolley. So much for adults enunciating when they talk.
I also realized that I talk like my family. Do you know what "Yunt to" means?
Stay tuned to the next installment of Vacation to find out.........
Same Bat time, same Bat channel:)

Good News! Good News!

2005-11-10T10:06:00.000-05:00

To most people this would not seem like something to be excited about, but I am ecstatic!
We can FINALLY buy the remaining 75 acres of our land!
God told Randy and I to move out here almost 7 years ago. We have been in 2 different court battles over our land since then.
Talk about a major cause of stress.
God has helped us to grow through it and this last time we just said"what happens ,happens, I will not continue to loose my joy over this!"
I just heard the news that we will close on it before Dec. 1. I felt like a huge weight was just lifted off of me.
I kept telling Randy that this land must have gold buried in it somewhere for it to be such a huge deal to so many people that we NOT buy it.
I am excited because I feel like I can move on now. I don't have some weight from the past holding me down. The future is always uncertain (things never turn out how we think they should), but I feel like I can put both feet forward now and find out how this dream we have been dreaming for so long is going to turn out.

They will grow up to be Big People

2005-10-26T09:01:00.000-05:00

We watched a video last night that ripped my heart open. I fought to control my emotions, but I really wanted to bolt out of the room and sob.
The vidoe was nothing more than a black screen with dialogue scrolling on the screen. Intermittingly a child's voice would read the script. It was POWERFUL!
It was all from a child's point of view on being in the system, foster care or adoptive home.
How they feel powerless, violated, ashamed. And how the longer it goes on the more rage they hold in, waiting until they can get some power or say in their life.
It made you really think about how a child would feel.
At the end a sweet, little girl voice said"Don't forget, someday we will be big people, too."
That hit me hard. How are we preparing our kids? Even our own kids.
Are we giving them attention, affection, love, discipline?
Or do we ignore them or treat them as a nuisance? Do we treat them as a bother and stay so busy we can't spend any time with them? Are we teaching them kindness, compassion, sharing, forgiveness?
What about the kids being passed from home to home to home? What life lessons are they learning? Should we be surprised at their hard hearts?

Are we equipping them to be the Big People?
Are we going to get a sad surprise?

Some people are just evil

2005-10-12T08:35:00.000-05:00

I have always known that sin is in our world. I just try to push it out of my mind most of the time. Last night Randy and I attended our first foster parenting/ adoption class. I was sick to my stomach after one class. I just couldn't fathom how evil people are. How are they capable of doing such horrendous things to children? I don't know if I will be able to handle the next 6 weeks.
Randy came away excited because it renewed his thoughts of helping give just one kid love, structure, safety, family. I came away terrified that I will not be able to handle what these kids have been through.
Growing up I was never abused in any way. Now I realize what an absolute miracle that was. I don't know why God protected me and kept me from it, but He did. Now my heart breaks for those who have been abused and I can't understand why adults do such things to kids. My mind can't comprehend it.
I'm scared I am so naive that I won't be able to function in this process.
I know God brought Randy and I together from such diverse backgrounds for a reason, but I feel like Mrs. Cleaver transplanted into an episode of CSI. (Not that I wear pearls with my best dress when I clean my house!)
The closer we get the more inadequate I feel.

Surprise! A new business venture

2005-09-27T15:48:00.000-05:00

God does work in amazing ways.
I have been praying for months about bringing some extra cash into our family. The traditional way of getting a 9-5 job (or equivalent) was out because I am dedicated to giving my kids the best education possible. I just can't do that while working away from home.
So I have been praying and thinking up things I can do from home. i don't have many talents, so I was coming up with a big, fat zero!
Then out of the blue it happened.
Randy sells honey at his work. Then we started making honey-cinnamon & plain honey butter(made with REAL butter). Some people wanted to test before they bought, so I made some yeast bread. Well, they all wanted to buy the bread! I have been making about 8 loaves a week and Randy is just selling it at work. Then someone said if I made a basket with a variety of breads and the butters they would buy it for Christmas. So now I am trying different breads for a Christmas basket.
It is often the simple things, right in front of our face that God is trying to say"Just open your eyes, it's right there" He probably wants to add a big DUMMY to the end of that:)
It is just amazing. I love to cook, but I really enjoy making breads. They are my favorite. I get to do it at home and I have made it a sort of cooking class and teach the kids while I do it. They help and learn to cook in the process. Who woulda thunk it!

Michigan, Here we come!

2005-09-21T13:08:00.000-05:00

My brother and I are setting out tomorrow morning for my cousins funeral in Michigan.
Because of work schedules and such, My sister-in-law and Randy can't go.
So for 8 hours there, stay an hour or so, 8 hours back, it is me and my brother. I don't think since we both lived at home have we spent 20 consecutive hours together, alone. This will be interesting.
We don't have a lot in common, or least we don't know that we do. Maybe this will be a good trip for us.
If you think of it pray for my family. Most of my Dad's side of the family will be making long trips this weekend. Most of them live in southern Indiana, so it will be a long trip. Watch out on the roads, a bunch of aggressive Rainey's are headed North for the weekend!
Randy and the boys will be on their own until the wee hours Friday. (I hope I make it home before Randy leaves for work, I never that of that until now!)
Randy makes a good bluff about not being able to cook or do housework. He is very skilled in that area, I think I have spoiled him a little bit. I enjoy spoiling him so it is o.k.
So a quick trip to Michigan is on the agenda. It's gonna be interesting!

Flagging Traffic

2005-08-18T12:34:00.000-05:00

The worst job I have ever had was/is flagging traffic. Whenever my Dad calls and says "wear your orange" I feel like I am going to puke!
To explain for any one who doesn't know and wants some insight into my life.
My Dad and brother started a road construction company a few years ago. Usually it is the 3 of us putting in box culverts or other misc. work for the State of Indiana. It works out great because I can be a full-time Mom for about 10 months and work a couple of months during the summer, make decent money to pay off bills and by the time the job is over I am ready to stay at home again. I am more appreciated at home and I appreciate being at home. A win, win situation. ......... Until I had to flag traffic.

The first couple of times weren't too bad. Then I had a bad experience a couple of years ago. A man was driving and dropped his cigerette(sp?) in his lap. By the time he looked up it was almost too late. He slammed on his brakes and swerved around me. I KNOW for a fact that God spared me because there was no way I should have not been hit. The skid marks alone showed I should have been hit, but God saved me.
I said for get it, I will NOT do that again. My family doesn't listen very well. Last summer they made me flag again. This time a semi apparently thought that I was just kidding with the big red stop sign and decided that he didn't have to stop. This time I dove into the ditch to keep from getting hit!
Then I said to my Dad "I mean business! I will NOT flag again!!!!'
Guess what I did today? I wore my orange and held that stupid sign. They thought it was funny, but I thought i was going to have a panic attack. I only had to do it for a short period of time, but I said "This is my LAST TIME!"
They never listen to me anyway, I wonder why I bother?
They should let me drive the back hoe...... I've gotten better with practice!

A Home Schooling Success

2005-08-15T13:18:00.000-05:00

yeah! It is time for school again.
We are home-schooling for the second year and we are slowly trying to get motivated for the year to start.
i just had one of those great moments where I thought "maybe they are ACTUALLY learning something!!!!"

Ethan was asking Elijah questions about the freezing and boiling points of water. Elijah remembered what he had learned from last year and was telling Ethan all about it. It was an exciting moment to realize my kids have retained something from last year.
I have had so many positives from being with my kids. Teaching Ethan to read, Helping Elijah recapture his love of reading, boosting Elijah's self-esteem, discovering Ethan's love of cooking, the list goes on and on. I'm thankful God helped me to go against the grain and not conform just because it was what was best for everyone else. I'm glad God gave me the courage to see what wasn't working for my kids and stand up for them and try a new thing to find out what worked.
I pray I can equip them enough to be a positive influence in society and not be afraid to go against the grain and always be quick to do what is right and obedient to God.
I just pray I can lead them by example and not just by words.

A Minor Irritation

2005-08-15T13:10:00.000-05:00

It's always the little things. I am currently trying to prove to a lab that did lab work for Randy that I paid them.
They have my money and now I have to spend my time proving to them that they have my money.
I had to do it last year with the hospital, too.
It's irritating, but I guess it is better than paying them all over again.

Have companies gotten so big and out of touch with their customers/patients that they can't even keep track of who has paid their account and who hasn't?

The Big 3-0

2005-08-07T07:53:00.000-05:00

I just turned 30. I thought I would be indifferent about it. No big deal. I have been very surprised about the amount of thought I have put into where my life is and where my life was as an 17 year old and where my life is headed.
I realized a few things about getting older. I have actually learned from my mistakes. My attitudes have changed. I am a stronger person.
When I was 17, just graduated from high school. my life was planned. i would go to college and become some type of professional. I would make a life for myself and in no way would any man tell me what to do. I was my own person I was going to do what I wanted to do.
Then I met Randy and EVERYTHING changed! I fell in love and married way sooner than I had planned. We had a baby and we decided that I would stay home. no career for me. Now the 17 year old me would think I was the stupidest person ever. I thank God He softened my heart because staying home with my boys is one of the most important decisions God helped me make in my life. It is one of the hardest ones to stick with for financial reasons and it is the one decision that has already had the most tangible benefits. Never, ever, ever would I have envisioned myself as a stay-at-home mom and loving it so much!
I have seen how my walk with God has changed so much. I think it is for the better. As a new Christian I was intimidated by authority, mature Christians, anyone with power or more knowledge than me. Now I don't have as much knowledge as I should for as long as I have been a christian, but I know God loves me now! That is a revelation that took 12 years of battling with myself on why God shouldn't love me. It has been a long time coming to say God loves me and really know it. i want to walk my own walk now. I am willing to take responsibilty for my own mistakes. I want a one-on-one intimacy with God that is not influenced by the opinions of friends or family or the church. I am realizing how fallible people are. We are full of opinion, but lacking letting God have the full control and admitting we don't know it all. I believe God for all things, but I am ready to stand up for myself and tell people that I am just not interested about opinions anymore. When I stand before God I can't blame my church or friends for my mistakes. I must start taking FULL accountabilty for my actions now. I don't want to play the blame game anymore. I want to live my own life (making decisions with Randy of course) without the commentary of everyone who thinks they know how to live my life better than me.
There is freedom and the peace of God where I am at because where I was strangled by what my parents or friends or sometimes strangers thought, now I care what a select few think, but I will not let that keep me from following after God. Even when it seems what He is saying is too crazy to believe i don't want to miss God because someone called me stupid. I have learned the more I hear it the easy it becomes.
I really don't mind getting older, but now i realize I am not as fun loving as I used to be. I was a crazy cut-up. We would practical joke people in the middle of the night. Even when Elijah was a baby we would put him in his baby seat and I would carry him sneaking through the yard trying to scare Randy's cousin. It sounds kind of stupid, but we had so much fun! I feel like I have become to much of a Mom in the sense of I say things like, "you better quit or you will put your eye out" Geez that is what makes me feel old! If there is any one thing thatI feel was better when I was younger it is the fact that I was so much more fun. I would like to just recapture that part of myself because I liked myself so much better.
So much for the walk down memory lane. Getting older is enevitable so I had better make the best of it!

blessings part 2

2005-08-01T20:24:00.000-05:00

I am struggling with some things right now, so I thought it was time to visit my list of blessings.

There is a scripture about to whom much is given much is expected and I believe I have been given much so a lot is expected out of me.

I was given a loving home.
I was given health.
I was given a brain to think for myself.
I was given the ability to zip my lips.
I was given the most wonderful children.
I was given the ability to love.
I was given the ability to forgive.
I was given a husband that treats me better than I ever deserve.
I was given a chance to worship God with every breathe I take.
I was given a home that I don't deserve
I was given a peaceful childhood without any abuse.
I was given parents who loved me enough to discipline me and even tell me "NO".
I was given the opportunity to stay at home with my children.
I was given the ability to cherish every moment with my children and delight in being their Mom.

i haven't even scratched the surface of all the things God has given me, but I feel better just thinking on His good things1

It's in the Mail

2005-06-18T11:26:00.000-05:00

Today I mailed our paperwork for the adoption/foster care process to begin. Our classes are scheduled and by mid-September we should be qualified to foster and/or adopt. I just ask for prayers and more prayers.This is a big step.

I had a dream last night that I just can't get out of my head :

I was a part of a military group, but we were civilians. We were in an other country and 3 people from our group went to another command post. While they were gone the President of the country declared war against us. Myself and another person went to help the 3 at the out post. On our way there we were met by a group of Americans who needed a place to hide. It was a diverse group. Young and old, sick and healthy. I decided we had to get them back to the command post we just came from. I was carrying a small child and trying to help a sick woman. We tried to blend in with the inhabitants of the town so the military would not see us. A person I recognized came running to catch up to our group but she was detected by the army. She turned and ran up the side of the mountain to not give us away. She was going from apartment to apartment trying to get in and not look suspicious. My heart broke for her, but I could not help because I had this whole group of people I needed to get to safety. We began walking down side streets trying to avoid the army. A person from this country came up to me and gave me his son to take with me and care for him. I tried to refuse, but he would not take "no" for an answer. we crossed a street and tried to go through the backyards of the homes so we could hide easier. as we about to climb over a fence a large suv pulled into the driveway and the driver started to wave a large machine gun at us and was going to kill us. the little boy who lived in the neighborhood stood in front of us to protect us. At this moment I thought of the president of this country and I was out raged. I saw us all as little pawns in his game. He didn't care if we all died and he didn't care if we killed the man in the suv. He wanted his end result no matter who had to die. Then the face of the president changed and became the devil and I saw that we were all just pawns in his little game. I became furious at being used. I didn't want to be a token to be used at his whim anymore. I refused to play the game. Then I woke up.

Ordinary or extraordinary?

2005-06-01T10:13:00.000-05:00

Questions: How do we decide what is an ordinary event?
How do we decide what is an ordinary person?
What makes it extraordinary?

Randy and I watched the movie Miracle with Kurt Russell over the weekend. It made me think. This was a movie about the United States Mens Olympic hockey team. They did the unthinkable and beat the unbeatable Russian team and went on to win the gold. That really isn't where I saw the miracle. It was how the coach picked his team. He didn't go for the super-stars, the ones everyone expected would be picked. He picked each person for a purpose. He didn't pick the extraordinary, he picked the ordinary. What happened after they believed they were a family was a miracle.
There were 3 guys they called "The Cone Heads". They were kind of goofy and no one gave them much of a thought, but they brought their team to victory with goal after goal. The goalie was in a slump after his mother died. They didn't think he could make the big plays, but the coach believed in him and expected him to play to his potential. He gave him a chance.

All of this made me think of my life, how we look at other people. How many times do we over look the ordinary to cling to what we think is extraordinary? We could be extraordinary if we weren't always looking for the extraordinary in people, places or events. How many hurting people could be extraordinary if only they had someone to believe in their potential, someone to just stand by their side. How many of us are "The Cone Heads" that get dismissed, but put with the right team we can excel. Don't over look the ordinary in people or events because God WILL turn that ordinary into EXTRAORDINARY in the blink of an eye, if we would only believe it could happen!

Jump-Start Your Dreams

2005-05-23T12:30:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had a dream that you knew would come true, but just kind of pushed to the back burner because it was too big to comprehend?
I have quite a few like that and God is bringing them to the fore front really quickly!
We are on the verge of some life changing things and I am terrified! I think it is more of afraid I am not hearing God and will choose the wrong door so to speak.
He is capable and I think those dreams that we thought too big to come true need to be dusted off, taken out of the box and see what mighty things God will do!

Dirty Laundry

2005-05-21T17:52:00.000-05:00

It is time to realize the good things in life. I never thought about laundry being a good thing until we moved into our new house.
When we lived in the trailer we had no room for a dryer, it was placed in our block building quite a ways away from the house. Laundry wasn't a simple task. I had to drag it out to the building rain or shine, day or night. Let me tell you I was scared to death a few times by a possum or raccoon rummaging for food. The joys of country life! There were also the times I had no dryer and had to clean clothes in shifts to get them dry or hang them on the line in the freezing cold.
Now that I have a dryer ( that works) I can so I REALLY APPRECIATE IT!!!!!!!!
It is really a blessing that makes my life easier. As I was thinking of my blessing today I thought "Oh, Lord don't let me take this blessing for granted. Help me to remember what it was like before, so that I don't get greedy." I don't ever want to forget the good things. I don't want to throw them to the side like an old, used toy and greedily ask for more. Help me to be thankful and content and continually use all of the good things God has provided for me.

The Church Lady

2005-05-06T00:48:00.000-05:00

The shrill, schreeching of the phone startled the little Church Lady. She was so engrossed with planning her up-coming meeting she really hesitated to even answer the phone.
"Hello" she said in a curt voice.
"Mom, I am so glad I caught you. I have to work over today, could you please watch the girls for me?" It was her daughter, Darlene asking another favor.
"Now, you know I have my Ladies Tea at church today and I just can't do it." Was the Church Ladies quick reply.
"Mom it would really help me out. We are behind on some bills and the overtime is such a blessing." Darlene responded in a weak, tired voice.
" Well if you would have come to church with me like I asked, you wouldn't be in this mess. I really need to hurry, I hope you can find someone. Tell the girls 'Granny loves them', I have to go now, Bye!" And the Church lady quickly hung up the phone without giving her daughter a chance to respond.
Out the door she rushed, she was never late. It would just not look right for the co-chair of the ladies tea to be late. " I shouldn't have answered the phone," she thought with annoyance.
As she hurried down the street reviewing in her head what the topic of the social would be today, she almost ran right into Leroy.
"Hi'ya, Miss Church Lady." He cried out in his tiny, excited, little boy voice.
"Hello, Leroy," she called out as she tried to hurry past him.
"Miss Church Lady, can I rake your leaves today? You said I could and I really could use the money. Tomorrow is Momma's birthday and I want to get her something special." Leroy waited with anticipation for the Church Lady's reply. Already in his mind he was picking out his beloved Momma's birthday present.
"No Leroy, not today, you know I have a meeting at the church. Now run along, I am in hurry," was the Church Lady's curt reply.
Leroy turned to leave, hot tears burning in his eyes. " What good is a stupid ole' church meeting anyhow" he thought angrily.
The Church lady was ecstatic after her Ladies Tea. It always lifted her spirits, being around all of the of the other saints of the church. She had been nominated to head up the bake sale to raise money for the orphanage in China. She was going to bring her famous chocolate chip cookies. She just knew they would be the top seller. She rushed home to get her grocery list together, she wanted to get to baking her cookies right away. Doing work for the church just made her feel buoyant with joy.
At the grocery, the Church Lady made the mistake of getting in line behind a young mother with two small children. The babies were crying and to make matters worse, she didn't have enough money for all of her groceries. As the distraught, young mother made the painstaking decision of which items she would have to do without, the Church lady thought smugly, " Well, I am so glad I have my finances in order. You would never catch me in such a predicament. The good Lord takes care of me because I am always quick to give to those in need. I always send money to the orphans and contribute to the building fund."
That night as the Church lady curled up in her favorite chair, she reflected on her day. Her heart was warm with knowing how much she had accomplished for her Lord today. She would sleep well knowing all was right in her heart. Sweet Dreams, Church Lady.

The Hospital Bed

2005-05-05T20:37:00.000-05:00

His tears were hot and salty as they streamed freely down his face. They landed in a huge puddle on the starched white pillow case. His arm ached from the i.v., it was torture to not be able to lay on his side. The white walls of his hospital room closed around him as he cried out to a God he wasn't even sure he wanted to believe existed. He was battling in his mind, his emotions and thoughts and memories were colliding with one another and becoming a mixed up tangled mess. He cried out to a god he knew had forsaken him. He yelled and screamed 'Why, Why, Why' over and over again in his head. 'why did you even create me to live such a mess. I had no Dad to teach me to be a man, I had no Mother to comfort me and teach me about love. I have been abandoned my whole life and now I lay wracked with pain, deserted by the world. Why not just put me out of my misery.' The pain and anguish of this man's cry went straight to the heart of the Father that was with him through it all, though the man was never aware.
The Father's heart ached and said' Oh, my son if you only knew of the people I asked and prompted to come to your aid. The people I put in your path that looked the other way at your plight. They turned their nose up at your predicament. I have loved you from the beginning and I will never give up. I want you to feel My Love.'
As the Father spoke, He sent yet another angel to prompt and prod another child of His to come to this young man's aid. Not far from this young man's hospital door, sat a gentleman doing is duty to visit a sick member of his church. He was going through his day as he wanted, not giving a thought to much of anything at all. He was startled by the gutteral, almost animal-like cry he heard from the young man's room. He thought to himself 'wow, he must be in some unreal pain'. Oh if only he knew that this man's emotional and spiritual pain far surpassed any physical pain he could ever be in. The Father was prompting, directing the gentleman visitor to speak, to love, to just care for this young man filled with anguish and despair writhing in personal agony, fighting every battle alone.
The young man continuing in his personal battle with the Father once again yelled out in the depths of his darkened mind ' Is there not one person who will hold my hand, touch my brow, put a drop of water to my dry parched lips? Am I so meaningless to this world?'
And again the Father cried ' If you only knew what I am doing for you, on your behalf. If only the ones who call on my name will listen and obey, just listen and obey'
As the young man lying on the stark, white bed continued to writhe in his own personal agony, the man in the hallway slowly began to rise and make his way to his door, as if an unseen hand was lifting each leg and gingerly placing it on the floor. Step after careful step he moved closer to the door, not even really aware of what he was doing. Moving unaware, in perfect sync with the Father to be a messenger of love and safety, not realizing he was about to deliver the message of life.

The Mirror

2005-05-04T06:06:00.000-05:00

The bright afternoon sun glinted off of the tiny mirror into her pale blues eyes. Her eyes began to water and she gingerly wiped away her tears. She closely examined her face, the wrinkles, the chipped tooth that made her refuse to smile, the gray, thinning hair, the nose that was too big for her face, all of what she percieved to be flaws, mistakes in God's creation. She stumbled as she walked and gripped a little tighter her little companion, her beloved mirror. She never went anywhere without it. While she cleaned house or talked with friends or shopped or walked in her neighborhood, her trusty little mirror was in front of her face reflecting her image and often her moods for her to see and examine. She could look into her eyes in relive the pain of her past, she could focus on all of her flawed features or on good days remember how nice and kind she is and the beauty that she really does possess. She could make sure that everyone perceived her they way she wanted as she talked to them. Her little mirror kept her enraptured in it while she went about her daily business.
As she walked on this sunny afternoon, peering deep into her watery, blue eyes, she thought how awful her life has been, how everyone mistreats her. She paid no attention when she walked around the little girl crying on the walk, but she couldn't miss the little, pink bike with flowers and streamers on the handlebars. She stumbled over the bike tire laying across the sidewalk. She tried putting her hand out to grab ahold of anything to catch her fall. She landed in a crumpled heap on the sidewalk. She checked herself to make sure nothing was hurt or even broken. Then she saw it. Her beloved mirror, it lay shattered on the ground. It was in a million different pieces, there was no way to salvage it. She was heartbroken. What would she do? How would she make it through her days without it to focus on. As she sat crying and wondering what she would do, she felt a tiny arm go around her shoulder. The little girl sat, with her tears dried, next to the little lady comforting her, giving her reassurance that it would be o.k. The little girl helped her up and brushed off the dried leaves and dirt that clung to her skirt. The little girl steadied the little lady and helped her on her way home. The little lady was lost without her mirror. She didn't know what to do with herself. She thought she must look an awful mess, but the child didn't seem to mind. She chatted cheerfully that her bike would be o.k. and hopefully her mother would find the time to put a bandage on her knee. The little old lady looked at the child and then she noticed the blood flow freely down her leg, staining her frilly white socks and white tennis shoes. The little lady was horrified. This child has been comforting her without any thought to the pain her own tiny body was in. The little lady was appalled at her own self-absorption. How could she miss this little girl's injury? She reached down and gathered the tiny child in her arms and hugged her with all of her might. She then led her home to make sure that her bloody knee would get the loving, gentle attention it so desperately needed.

Steamed Vegetables

2005-05-03T12:26:00.000-05:00

The restuarant was alive with action as waitresses buzzed from table to table. We waited patiently for our food, talking, enjoying the activity of the place. Our stomachs grumbled and growled as we continued to experience the tantalizing aromas of other people's dinners. With eager eyes we watched for the moment our waitress would stop at our table with our food, ready for us to devour it. At last it came, piping hot, fresh from the kitchen. As we looked at the presenation of our food were we taken by the artistic nature of it. The pure beauty of the steaming plate of vegetables. The crisp green broccoli, the brilliant orange carrots, the sunny yellow squash, even the muted brown mushrooms were shimmering in their golden buttery sauce. The pureness of God's garden creation, unaffected by man. Tenderly picked and washed of the earth still clinging to the ripe vegetables, tossed in herbs and seasonings, steamed to perfection.
As I was ready to dive into my delectable dinner I heard my companion say" Excuse me, Miss, but could I get some cheese sauce for this." I was crestfallen, cover God's glorious bounty with man-made processed cheese product. As I watched they poured the gooey, greasy, gloppy cheese all over the vegetables, covering their pureness and beauty with false man-made products. Covering up all of the wonderful benefits of the rich vitamin A, C, B and many more with cholestorol and calories. The pureness of the vegetables were gone, covered, overshadowed by man's taste buds for his own desires.

A Story About Love

2005-05-02T06:00:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time there was a handsome man who loved a beautiful woman. He called her two or three times a day and said" Darling, I love you!". Whenever he would see her at the mall or grocery store, he would say,"Darling, I love you!" After awhile the beautiful woman grew tired of this and spoke to her mother about it.
"Mother, he says he loves me, but he never takes me for walks and holds my hand, he has never come to meet you and Dad, he never takes me out to eat. He will not talk and share his life with me. When I am in need I feel like I am a burden to him. Is this truely love? Is this all love is?
The mother tried to console her daughter and told her she must decide what she thought love was.
The next day the handsome man called to say," Darling, I love you!" This time the beautiful woman said this," Do not say you love me if you have no action behind it. Your words are detestable to me. You do not love me. You make yourself feel better by saying it. You take no time for me or to share our lives together. Show me you love me and I will know, say you love me and I know it is just to tickle my ears. I do not want to hear 'I love you' again!"
The handsome man was puzzled by this, but thought " She is upset, I will give her time alone and she will see the error of her ways. She will apologize for hurting me."
The beautiful woman began a journey to find out what love really meant to her and found most of all it was an action that didn't ever need to be spoken in words. She could see it not just hear it. She could experience it. She could give it. She never knew love more than when it was demonstrated to her and she never again wanted to just hear the words,"Darling, I love you!"

THE END

My Inner Redneck

2005-04-29T15:09:00.000-05:00

Growing up I was always a bit ashamed of my country up-bringing. I felt I was a lower class.
As an adult I am so glad for it. I am proud to be a red-neck, hilly-billy, or country bumpkin.
here is my list of proof I am a red-neck:

1. It is impossible for me to say "hill". It comes out"heel"
2. I learned to drive on my Dad's Allis Chalmers tractor. After mastering that I got up- graded to the old truck to pick-up rocks in the field.
3. I know what a ravelin is and use it frequenty in conversation.
4. I once tried to ride a cow. My Dad refused to buy me a horse-something about them not being practical. I decided to ride our beef cow. I got bucked off and landed in a huge pile of manure. My Mom was NOT happy.
5. I Hate wearing shoes.
6. In school I always had to explain what a "Mamaw and Papaw" were. No one called their Grandparents that.
7.I love Blue Collar T.V.
8. My favorite song growing up was "Elvira" by The Oak Ridge Boys. Elvira, Elvira, My Hearts on Fire, Elivra. What a great memory.
9. My family sits together and enjoys the Dukes of Hazzard on a regular basis.
10. Some of the "You might be a redneck...." jokes are a very true thing in my family.
11. My brother and my cousin could pass for Larry the Cable Guy's twin. No joke. Sleeveless Shirts and all.
12. We have been known to sit in our lawn chairs around our guinea's cage and just watch them. Country livin' at its best!
13. Duct tape will truely fix almost anything.
14. At family get togethers, never ask what the meat is, it could be bear, squirrel, rabbit, caribou, deer, the possibilities are endless.

All joking aside, I am proud of my family and the up-bringing I had. I am also proud of how Randy and I are trying to raise our kids. I enjoy country life and I am glad I finally quit being ashamed of it!

Prayers for the children

2005-04-28T09:46:00.000-05:00

I have been thinking alot about prayers, especially concerning my children. I pray daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes by the minute (depending on the day!) for them. I don't want them to have the same struggles I have had finding God and realizing His Love. So I pray a lot for the kind of men they will grow up to be and mostly that they will have such a personal relationship with Jesus that they will cling to Him through all things, at all times, and that they will listen to the voice of God and be quick to repent, quick to forgive, and quick to obey.
I believe with all of my heart that God hears and is now honoring my prayers, but lately I have been crying out for all of the children who have no one to pray for them. What happens to them?
I think about the children in foster care. When they turn 18, are they are automatically suppposed to know how to be a viable part of society? I am not putting down our system at all, I'm just thinking out loud I guess on how people turn out the way they do.
I guess I need to quit watching the news because I am overwhelmed with how evil humans are.
The horrible things we can do to each other. The things that are done to children and we wonder why they can't adjust and be a part of society.
I know God has laid a specific burden on my heart for children who have no one to love them, but sometimes it is so big I can't stand the weight of it. I can't sleep at night for all of the thoughts in my head. The enormity of it boggles my mind. There are a few things I have been pondering and seeking God to put some action behind my prayers.
I know God is a big God and He loves His children. There are so many things I won't ever understand and I pray that I will be willing to put my hand to the task God has set before me.
I know I am incapable of doing anything on my own, so I pray that God will strengthen me and help me to rely completly on Him!

It only takes one

2005-04-13T12:36:00.000-05:00

It only takes one negative word to over-ride dozens of positive. I have negatives that I was told in elementary school that over-ride the hundreds of positives that I have heard since. I don't want it to be that way, but for me it is. I just decided today that I don't want to be that ONE anymore. I have said my fair share of negatives throughout my life and I am sure some of my words are still stumbling blocks for people. So with God's help I want to quit being the one or two or three or more negatives that are heard and start being a positive.

Can I be too organized?

2005-04-11T12:12:00.000-05:00

After Randy and I moved into our new house I turned into a neat freak. I am completely addicted to plastic totes. I have everything organized and labeled in a tote, on a shelf. I didn't see it as a problem until today. Yesterday we had family over for Elijah's birthday party. he received a slide making kit to go with his microscope. As I sat at the computor today I saw the kit nice and neat on a shelf with his microscope. How is he to play and experiment with it if I have it tucked away on a shelf?
I think I have cleaned and organized my way right out of living. I want everything in a nice neat labeled box and if it is not I freak out, every part of my life is that way, even my brain. I compartmentalize everything. I am sure there is some sort of phsychological disorder I can claim to have. I guess the first step to getting help is admitting you have a problem, right!
Randy and I were at Fazoli's the other day and they have glass bottles lined up in the windows. They weren't lined up according to color and it was driving me nuts, I just wanted to rearrange them. The boys have art supplies and play-do in nice neat totes that they hardly ever get to play with because it is just too messy. Enough examples of my craziness, I'm sure someone thinks I need to be committed at this point.
I guess more than anything it was just a moment of clarity when God really spoke to my heart this morning to say"Lighten up!" I need to just have some fun, quit worrying about the messes because they will always be there. I will never be able to have all the messes in my life cleaned up, whether in my house, on my kids, in my relationships or in my heart. I can waste my whole life sitting with everything clean and orderly and be miserable everytime another mess comes or I can have a little fun making some messes of my own.
This makes me think of Ms.Frizzle on Magic School Bus"It is time to get messy, make mistakes and something else, I forgot the rest. Sorry I have resorted to quoting cartoons, but that is my life! So I am off to enjoy the day and forget the messes, they will always be there and from my experience I am really good at making some myself!

I am waaaaaay toooooo Young!

2005-04-08T06:18:00.000-05:00

Elijah is now nine. I am way too young for this.
He told me yesterday that he is so excited because he has always wanted to be nine and now his dream has come true. I thought that was so sweet and just so much like him to say it.
I don't know if God could have created a more tender- hearted kid. Some days I sit in wonder how God could have blessed me with such wonderful kids. I have a good life and I really don't deserve it!

Credit Cards

2005-03-15T10:50:00.000-05:00

Credit cards are a symbol of instant gratification to me. When I was in college I had one with a $500 limit and it took me more years than I want to think to pay it off. When I wanted something I bought it. I didn't think that in a month I would have to pay for it.
Things changed when I got married, but we have still had our own struggles with credit cards.
What really has made my think of this is how many times do I prevent God from blessing me because I was in too much of a hurry to get something.
When things are going good I can put it on my visa and not think another thing about it.
I want it, so I buy it. How selfish is that?
There have been times in my life that I had no extra money and I learned to do without. I learned not having everything I wanted would not kill me.
Recently God has blessed my family and we are getting out of debt and financially have a little bit of breathing room for the first time in our married life.
The problem with that is I can go to the store and get what I need and in most cases what I want, I don't need to pray and ask God to help me out.
I have been getting convicted on that so I just quit buying anything except groceries and essentials and just asking God for my other needs and mostly wants.
Can I just say God has shown up in a mighty way. It is so restful not trying to figure it all out on my own. If I need it he will provide a way.
There have been a few instances that have blown my mind so I wanted to share.

Ethan puts a hole in almost every pair of pants he owns. He is also very particular about what kind of pants and shirts he wears. They need to fit a certain way and he has a thing about lots of pockets on pants and striped shirts. Well anyway I usually by end of season clearance for the boys in clothes and save a lot of money. I hadn't been able to find any for him. I knew he was running out of pants , but I just didn't want spend $25 on a pair of pants. At church someone gave me a whole bag of clothes for the boys. Inside were two pairs of pants exactly like what he loves, and striped shirts, he was so excited. God even knows what kind of pants my six year old loves to wear!

Last week Randy and I were shopping with the boys. we were looking at weight sets, but I refused to pay $200-$300 for one. So we went to another store, there we ran into my brother and his father-in-law. We talked and it came up what we were looking for. Gary said "Hey I have a really nice weight set at my church you can just have." My brother called me yesterday and will deliver it to our house on Thursday. We don't even have to pick it up. Wow!! I could name instance after instance where God showed up when I was patient and waited on Him. He has given us a car when we needed one, a dryer, clothes, food, money , the list goes on and on of how He provides when I sit and wait and don't try to solve it myself.

Here is where God is really speaking to me. Wait on Him and He will provide and this is the big one: I HAVE to be willing to let go of all of my possessions as well. I need to obey Him and be willing to bless others and not always want to receive. I need to be able to say I own nothing! God is in control of everything and I will freely give as He says.

My Boys

2005-03-08T14:32:00.000-05:00

Randy & I decided to buy the boys an X-Box for Christmas. Can I just say that they have a time limit because my sanity holds out for only so long and they would live on it if I would let them. That being said something cool happened and I thought I would share.

They have a Star Wars game that has a split screen and they can pick a character and battle each other. They were playing and yelled for me to come watch. I ran in and they said to me "Look mom, we can make ObiWan praise God!' Sure enough there was Obi with his hands raised to heaven and my boys were so proud of themselves.

I don't really think there is anything profound in that,I just thought it was neat they were thinking of God even while playing a game.

The Hitchhiker

2005-03-04T14:31:00.000-05:00

I saw a man on the side of the road, hitch hiking, the other day. It was a cold winter day. The wind was cold and was whipping through his hair. He had no hat or gloves. He was blowing warm air on his bare hands to warm them. I did nothing. I thought, if he is there when I drive back through I can give him some food. He was gone, I will probably never see him again, that breaks my heart. God has been speaking a few things to me since that day.

I have been told by my husband and others that I am never, ever, ever, ever to pick up a hitch hiker and I have promised I won't, but my heart still goes out to them and I want to help in some way. The first thing I think of is that I am so blessed because I have such a support system that I have never been down on my luck. Even if I would do things to loose every material thing I own I would still have such a group of people around me to get me back on my feet. If my car broke down I probably have ten people I could call to bail me out, If I lost my home I would have numerous people to take me in. I don't ever want to take that kind of support system for granted.

When I see someone on the side of the road, I wonder what happened in their life that brought them to this spot. It doesn't matter what brought them there, the fact is they are there. Now what can I do take make it a little bit better. Sometimes I think we do that to new people who have just accepted Jesus. We wonder about their sin and how they got their life in mess. It doesn't really matter how, as much as it matters now what can we do about it to help them get on the right path.

Another question I have been pondering since that day is this: If we could just help one person at a time, bring them in our home, love them, give them essential life skills, SHOW them the love of Jesus, help them on their way and then start all over again with someone else God brings our way. What a difference that would make in this world. I know, it is probably way too idealistic, but it is a thought that is running around in my head.

I just wish I had bought him some warm dinner. Maybe next time..............

Disillusion

2005-02-27T15:15:00.000-05:00

Am I disillusioned in my walk with God?
I pray I am not.
What I mean by this is, I fear I do not have a personal relationship with Jesus. I want this so bad, but there are times I feel so far from Him.
I want to be cleansed from my sin.
I have been praying about this all week, and then we got a sermon on sin Sunday morning.
God hit me hard,even in worship about how I am still entangled in sin and I want to be set free.
I don't want to be disillusioned my whole life and "think" I am serving God only to hear Him say "Depart from Me I never knew you."

I guess I just don't want to be complacent in my walk. I want to be quick to repent, Quick to say I am sorry, Quick to ask forgiveness.
I battle either being way too hard on myself and living under guilt and stress about how sinful I am or worrying I am being prideful when God is moving im my life and I can really feel and see Him working in my life, moving me a little bit closer to Him.
I want to be free, but I need true freedom. I don't want to live a fake life. I don't want to be so hard on myself I can accomplish nothing for Christ, but I don't want to thinkI am doing good because no man is perfect except, Christ.
It has been a thought process that goes round and round in my head and kind of makes me a little crazy.
I have faith, though, that God will work this out in me.

Carol

2005-02-23T10:00:00.000-05:00

Carol was a great lady. She was someone I knew cared about my walk with God, even as a little kid. I don't really remember how my parents met Carol, but I know it was ordained by God.
My Mom worked full-time and my Dad was called away on business alot when I was a kid, so I spent a lot of time at a babysitter. I know God provided the babysitters because everyone was a Godly person who loved my brother and I like family. That in itself is a miracle.
Carol was one of my babysitters. She invited our family to church and made us feel welcome. Some people at this church made a point to make us not feel welcome, but Carol's family always did. We became family to her. She would come and pick me up on Sunday's my Mom had to work. She played with us in her pool. She tried to teach me piano. She made us root beer floats. She was kind with us and made a lasting impression on me as to what Christianity should be. I was a fat, insecure kid who missed being around my parents and she seemed to understand that. She made me feel welcome.
I found out this week that Carol had died. It made me sad, but also I thought of the work she had done for God by just making people feel welcome, that they were important. How I want to leave this Earth knowing I have done some good for someone. Carol might never know how she directed me on the right path with God. She might never know how she made an insecure kid feel like someone besides family cared about what happpened to her. She did a lot for me, but it all came natural to her. She was just being herself.

Vision

2005-02-15T17:16:00.000-05:00

Proverbs 29:18
Where there is no vision the people will perish; but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.

Having a vision from God is an awesome thing, to have direction in your life, a point to focus on.
I am blessed, my husband and I have a purpose, a vision, a direction.
In a very few words our vision is to fill our home with people to minister to them. Whether that be to adopt children, help families get back on their feet, house missionaries, help troubled teens or even encourage other christians. W e are leaving the door wide open for God to work, but we have a plan of action and we are diligently working towards that.
Has it been easy? NO!!!
We have been called stupid. We have been told to think smaller, to tone down a bit. Well I say "No Way!" If God says it, He is more than capable to figure out how it will be accomplished.
The problem I see is not in having too big of a vision it is having no vision.
Really a bigger problem than that is those who step out in their vision are the ones to be beaten down, to feel defeated before they even get started.
For me the biggest thing to overcome was not how to accomplish what God has set before me, it was to ignore people's discouraging remarks that tore me down and left me with no energy to do what God has set before me.
Is all of it because of jealousy? Do we think that God can't have a plan for us, so we want to tear down His plan for others? I don't know, but it is time we ask God what our purpose is and do it.
I have decided that whether anyone believes in me and my family or not I will do my best to accomplish the task He has set before me.
So in summary because of the trials I have been through I can truly say I want to get behind those with a passion, a vision and I will do what I can to support and lift them up.
God is so big and has given each of us a place. We need to ask Him what that place is and do it with all of our might and if we can't do that then we had better be sure we are not tearing down those with a vision.

The Atmosphere of God

2005-02-10T06:07:00.000-05:00

I just started reading a book on Rees Howells and something in the very beginning of the book has already got me thinking.
Rees talks about the influence his grandparents had on his early up bringing and he felt as though he passed from earth to heaven when he visited him. He says " God was the atmosphere."

WOW! All I can say is that is my prayer. God be my atmosphere, be so close to me, help my walk be so close to you that my home is filled so much with you that it can be said that "you are the atmosphere!"
Those three words just struck a chord with what I want my home to feel like. What I want my life to feel like.

Church Stuff

2005-02-09T14:21:00.000-05:00

It probably has not been a secret that I have been totally burnt out on church stuff for a couple of years now. I was tired of trying to find God at church and either being hurt or disillusioned by the god I was finding. The glorious thing is that God met me all by myself in my little woods.
He healed a hurting heart and answered prayers I didn't even have the strength to pray. The greatest thing He did is He restored hope. I can once again believe in people and what miraculous things God can do using people.
The whole point of writing this is because once again I am excited about my church. I see people with a heart to serve and a heart to obey God. I am not directly involved in any of it and I really don't want to be involved other than one thing, to encourage. I want to encourage those who are doing something to continue to obey God even when it becomes hard. I want to put aside what I might change or make better to fit my family and support whole-heartedly those who are sacrificing to serve me and my family. I want more than anything to be positive and speak life and if I can't I need to sit down and shut-up.
Speaking positive things or nothing at all is hard for me. When I pay attention to my speech I recognize a lot of ugly things come out of my mouth.
I pray God helps me to watch what I say. I pray He will stop me before I speak bad about anyone or anything and if it is not pleasing to Him I will just keep my mouth shut.

Funny Story

2005-02-08T06:08:00.000-05:00

Yesterday we had something funny happen, but we are probably the only ones that think it is funny. I guess we have a weird sense of humor. Well here goes with the funny happening:
We awoke to hearing our guineas ( if you don't know guineas are large chicken-like birds that are good watch dogs b/c they make a lot of noise and they eat alot of bugs esp. ticks) flapping around and making noise. So Randy gets his gun and goes out to check on them. They had flown out of their coop and were on top of our house. He looked and a raccoon was sitting on top of their coop trying to get in. Randy shot it and came in to get ready for work. When he came in I totally felt like Ma Ingalls saying "Pa did you get that varmint that was gittin in our critters"
I know I lead a sad life when this was my funny story, but I thought it was funny, especially when I have friends that call me Laura or Beth Ingalls and call Randy Manly. They are probably pretty close in comparing us to them. Well anyway I thought it was funny and thought I would share. Hope it made someone else laugh too.

Tiny Ants

2005-02-04T12:49:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I feel like a little ant in the grand scheme of things. I am scurrying around trying to fill my life with things and at any moment I could be squashed by a big shoe or worse yet burnt up by a huge magnifying glass.
I think about this a lot when I work for my Dad. Here we are putting a new road or bridge in, taking load ofter load of dirt out and bringing load after load of rock and sand in.
Sometimes it seems very, very pointless.
Does God just shake His head as we scurry around moving piles of Eath from one location to another and then in a few years do it again.
I also think about how precious time has become the older I get. Do I want to work so many hours of my life to pay for one item. Is it really worth that?
So many things just seem futile, like I am just spinning my wheels, wasting my time. I know some things are neccesary, but when I clean or do laundry, it is just going to get dirty again.
I will be the first to admit I can be a neat freak so cleanliness is important, but geesh, can it stay clean for more than five minutes.
I guess I just need help to focus more on the things that will last. Sometimes I just imagine that this world is burnt up, gone. Have I invested only in things that are now smoldering charcoal or are there some lasting things that have gone through the fire? I pray I have invested in lasting things and not wasted my life on a bunch of firewood.

Trusting God with my Mistakes

2005-02-03T14:10:00.000-05:00

I have a real problem with worrrying whether I have heard from God or not. I know I have missed so many opportunities because I just don't trust God enough to fix my mistakes.
I tend to be a perfectionist by nature. So bad to the point I have refused learning or trying new things becuase I either won't be able to do it perfectly or I will look like a fool trying.
I am ashamed to think of the things I have missed out on because of this.
More and more my desire is to just do what God asks me, whether I can do it perfectly or not. the problem is I second-guess whether I have really heard from God or not.
Was it God, or is it just me?
I have come to a conclusion that God is big enough to fix my mistakes. If my heart is to serve Him then if I miss Him, He is perfectly capable to make it o.k.
I try to think now that it is better to do something than sit on my butt and do nothing.
How many times does God have to send another person to do my work because I was unwilling to try. More times than I would want to think. So I guess if He is powerful enough to fix things when I flat refuse to obey then He is more than able to fix my oops when I am actually trying to serve Him.

Hell is a scary place

2005-01-30T14:16:00.000-05:00

This question has plagued me from early in my childhood until now:
Do I love God or do I just fear going to hell?
As a child I would have nightmares about hell and demons, even now I awake a night with a fear of demons and where they might be hovering in my room.
This morning at church this question just kept popping up in my head.
I don't want to desire heaven only because the alternative is so undesirable.
I want to love God purely because He is God.
I want to truly understand that I really deserve hell, but Jesus through His grace and mercy allowed me in my filth to nail Him to the cross. He shed His innocent blood to cover up my ugliness. He allowed me to do that so that I might be with Him forever. If only I could believe He did that for me and that I did nothing to earn it and without His sacrifice I would be sent to the place I am truly deserving, hell.
It scares me alot that I do not comprehend that fully. I do not live every breathe as though I really understand what Jesus did for me.
I do not want to serve Him just because I fear what hell holds for me.
I have often thought of entering heaven as winning the lottery for me. If I get in that would be wonderful. It would be such a beautiful surprise. The reality is that I am too ugly and full of sin to be allowed in.
Sometimes I think these thoughts are a safe guard against becoming proud and too sure of my salvation. Other times I think I have too much fear in my life and live not a joyful life, but a life afraid more of the devil and demons than in awe of Christ and His love, power, beauty and mercy.